


Empty Spaces

by etoile_etiolee



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Domestic Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoile_etiolee/pseuds/etoile_etiolee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki doesn't really know where his life goes. Living alone, working for a customer's service, he feels like he's going through the motions of everyday life without enjoying it. Everything changes when a distressed young man makes a mistake and calls his service, asking for help. Jensen Ackles is a mystery to Jared but he can't help being fascinated. Gaining the man's trust will reveal how much help Jensen really needs, and Jared's life will never be the same again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to yohkobennington for the beta work. She's always ready to step up when I need it.Thanks to my very dear friend disneymagics for the inspiration.

Chapter 1

“Benton’s customer service my name is Jared how can I help you?”

“I…”

The voice is one of a young man, shaking and so full of fear it’s almost contagious. Jared immediately knows what’s happening and damn it, why can’t the freaking phone company do something about this?

“Who’s this?” He finally asks after three long seconds of ragged breathing.

“The… n-number the… This I… I’s this-“

Jared can’t help the wave of sympathy going through him. This is the third time it’s happening but the two other persons weren’t as much desperate and young as this one. 

He needs to play this carefully.

“The Suicide Help Center, that’s what you’re looking for, right?”

“Shit, I… I shouldn’t…”

Jared thinks fast. He doesn’t want the guy to hang up. He won’t call back the right phone number, not as terrified as he sounds. This was an impulsive gesture.

Two years studying psychology, who knew it would useful as a clerk in an office furniture company. 

Besides him, Gen takes a command distractingly, frowning at him. Wrong number, Jared scribbles on his note pad. Damn it, Genevieve articulates silently. 

“Hey, what’s your name? I’m Jared by the way.”

“I… Jen… Jensen,” the young man breathes out.

“Jensen. Hi. Tell me, did you take something?”

“N-n-no. I shouldn’t have called I-“

Want me to call 9-1-1? Gen asks silently, looking at the phone number on Jared’s computer screen.

Jared shakes his head.

“That’s good. That’s good, Jensen. You can talk to me, you know.”

“I’m just so fucking tired, so… tired I can’t…” The guy burst into tears, loud, convulsive sobs that gets straight to Jared’s heart. He brushes his bangs away from his face. How the hell is he going to sort this out without scaring the kid off?

“It’s okay to feel tired, it’s okay to ask for help, Jensen.”

Genevieve isn’t on the phone anymore. She looks at him, biting her lips.

“I want it to stop, I can’t-….”

Then, suddenly, there’s an itch in Jensen’s breathing and the sobs stop abruptly with a loud hiccup. “I shouldn’t have called. Sorry I don’t… My boyfriend is home and-“

There is a click, then a beep that signifies there is another call waiting for Jared. He logs off and takes his hear phone bud off.

“What are you gonna do?” Genevieve says, managing to look empathic and pissed off at the same time.

“What I have to.”

“Did it seem serious?”

Jared nods, munching on his pen’s tip distractingly.

“Damn it, Jay, I don’t get why they can’t do something about this.”

“I know.”

Jared picks up his phone and finds the local police department number. He can’t get the man’s voice out of his head. His heart is beating fast, his palms are wet. God, he feels anxious.

When he’s finally transferred to an agent, he realizes he's been holding his breath and has to take a second before he can even start to explain the situation. The woman –Officer Smith, doesn’t get it at first. They never do.

“Listen, our local customer service phone number is the same as this suicide help line, except for the last digit.”

“Oh. Well, this is inconvenient.”

“You tell me. Some people figure out immediately they’re at the wrong place but I guess some others don’t listen when I make my little answering speech.”

The police officer asks for some details and reassures him that she’ll check it out. She seems to take it seriously, for which Jared is glad.

“Thank you. He said his boyfriend was home but I don’t know… he seemed in so much distress.”

“I understand, sir.”

“I guess there is no way you can get back to me on this? Confidentiality and all?”

There is a short laugh at the other end of the line. “You guessed right, Mr. Padalecki. Anyway, thanks for calling.”

“Okay. Thank you for your comprehension.”

Jared hangs up and looks at his watch. It’s four thirty –still half an hour to go. Still, he doesn’t put his headphone back.  
“You okay?” Genevieve asks.

“Yeah I’m… I hate this.”

“I know.”

She rolls her chair a little so that she can pat him on the shoulder. “You think he’ll be alright?”

Jared doesn’t know. He shrugs, biting the fingernail of his thumb. On his screen, he opens an Internet session and logs on 411.com.

“What are you doing?” Genevieve asks, picking over his shoulder. “Jay, don’t do this.”

“It’s… just in case…”

“In case of what?”

Jared doesn’t answer. He types down Jensen’s phone number and gets a name and an address. Eric Johnson, 118 Exeter Road.

“Jay, why would you-“ Genevieve tries again.

“I don’t know,” he snaps back, startling her. 

She blushes and lowers her eyes. 

“Gosh, I’m sorry Gen it’s just… this phone number thing is upsetting. I won’t do anything.”

“Wanna go somewhere and have a beer after work?” She smiles tentatively.

“Hell yeah.”

::: :::

Eric’s grip around his shoulder tightens as he waves to the cops one last time. Jensen keeps on smiling. Has to, until they’re out of sight.

“You fucking moron,” Eric snarls.

His fingers are digging painfully in Jensen’s skin. He feels himself shaking and tries to stop it. It’s always worst when he shows he’s scared.

“Called a freaking costumer service. Can’t even do this right.” Eric goes on through his clenched teeth.

The police car leaves their alley. Eric waits for a couple of seconds before leaving Jensen standing on his own to close the living room curtains.

“You want to kill yourself, love?” Eric asks matter-of-factly, his back still turned to Jensen.

“N-no. I w-whu-was just-“

“Stop stuttering. I hate when you do this.”

The perfectly controlled tone is a really bad sign. Don’t move, Jensen thinks. Don’t blink, don’t lower your eyes.

The blow, when it comes, is a surprise. It always is, even after four years. Eric uses the back of his hand and it does a wiping sound when it hits Jensen’s left cheek.

He groans from the shock and loses his balance, finding himself falling flat on his ass on the floor.

“Why did you do this, WHY?” Eric bends over him, spiting in his face as he yells after him.

“You t-told-“

“Shut up!”

This time it’s a kick in the ribs. Jensen falls on his side with a chocked cry, trying to breathe, but unable to do so. The pain is like a fire, burning so hot and red. Eric hadn’t taken his shoes off when he came home. 

Told me you’d throw me out, Jensen thinks dully. He doesn’t panic when his lungs still refuse to fill with air. He knows the drill. Better keep calm and let the spasm end by itself.

I called because you told me you’d throw me out. And then where would I go? You told me you hated me, could barely stand to be in the same room as me. I’m a burden, I know, and one morning you’ll do it for real and then there will be nothing left of me, for me.

Slowly, Jensen breathes in –just a little. It hurts like hell and the pressure in his chest increases but he keeps going. 

“Stop crying like a wuss,” the other man screams. “Jesus, aren’t you ashamed sometimes?”

Jensen knows it’s not over. He can’t stop crying, not when he has to concentrate all of his energy on the simple fact of breathing. He can’t do anything.

Another blow comes. And another one. Jensen wishes he would pass out, but this time, his body doesn’t do him any favors.

::: :::

Jared starts feeling better after his third beer. Genevieve keeps up with him. For a woman so delicate, she holds her alcohol like a pro.

“I hate my job,” Jared declares, picking another pretzel in the bowl between them.

“You just realized that?”

Jared shrugs. It just feels good to say it out loud. To admit to himself that he wakes up every morning to do something he hates and that he can’t see the end of it. 

“I was going to be a psychologist,” he points out, not for the first time. 

“And I was going to be an astronaut but we don’t always get what we want.”

Jared wants to say it’s not the same. He almost had it. Only two more years and he would have had his license. Then, the thought of Gen strapped in an astronaut suit jumping on the Moon in slow-motion crosses his mind and he burst out laughing, his whole body shaking with the force of it.

“What?” Genevieve asks, the beginning of a smile on her lips.

Jared keeps on laughing until he chokes. 

“You as an astronaut,” he wheezes.

“Shut up. I would have been an awesome astronaut.”

They chat about their crazy childhood dreams for a while. Then, the conversation slowly dies. Jared doesn’t feel that good anymore. There is nothing funny in being a twenty-five years old man stuck in a cubicle for the rest of his life, coming back home to an empty apartment because he can’t even keep a goldfish alive. Nothing funny into spending his evenings eating candies in front of the T.V. or watching some stupid video on the net. How long has it been since he got laid?

“Two months ago. That guy with the hipster hat you met here.”

Did he say that out loud? 

“No, I’m a psychic,” Genevieve deadpans. “I haven’t been laid in six months so shut up.”

She seems less cheerful suddenly. 

“Our lives suck,” she adds as an afterthought.

“Could be worst.”

The memory of the young man’s desperate sobs comes back with a vengeance. Jared feels like an ass. Has he ever been desperate enough to call a suicide helping center?

Never. Even when he learned about his father’s bankruptcy –which has been, by far, the worst thing happening to him, he never thought he would be better off dead. 

“You thinkin’ about him again, aren’t you?” Genevieve’s voice is soft and sad.

“You are a psychic.”

“Well, you have that look like someone just shot your puppy.”

“He was… fuck, I don’t know. It broke my heart.” Jared shakes his head.

“So sorry, babe.”

“I just hope he’s okay.”

Jared calls the barmaid for another round. 

::: :::

The hot water of the bath is torture at first. Jensen hisses between his teeth but keeps going until he’s settled. 

“There you go,” Eric murmurs, letting go of his arm to run a hand through his hair. “I know it hurts, babe. It’ll get better in a moment.”

Jensen sighs and closes his eyes while his boyfriend washes him softly. The water running through his hair stinks when it falls on his face, where he can feel his left cheek numb and swelling. 

He’s so tired.

“You make me crazy, you know that?” Eric asks. “And then I can’t help myself, Jensen. If you’d only understand what you put me through every fucking day.”

“I’m sorry”, Jensen says, his voice thick and low.

“It’s alright, it’s okay. Now, let me look at your ribs. It’s going to hurt but I’ll try to do it quick.”

Jensen braces himself as Eric’s hands starts to feel and press where he hit him with his foot. An especially tender spot makes him moan.

“There, m’done. Done baby. You’re going to be alright, just a little sore tomorrow maybe. Let me get you something for the pain.”

Eric leaves the bathroom and Jensen allows himself to open his eyes.

“It’s okay,” he whispers to himself. 

Eric’s going to take the pain away –physical and psychological. He always does.

Deep, hidden inside his mind, a different voice tries to protest. This part of Jensen that’s disgusted with himself, with what he is. Trying to claw its way through the numbness to yell how much he hates Eric, how much he resents him for everything he’s put Jensen through.

It doesn’t matter. Jensen can shut it easily. Eric’s pills will help.

His boyfriend’s back with a couple of small green pills and a white one. “Take this,” he tells him firmly.

Jensen does. Eric gives him a glass of water and he drinks it down. 

Soon, he’ll feel better. He doesn’t ask what the pills are. Eric doesn’t think it’s important for him to know. “Who’s the doctor?” He says if Jensen tries to speak about it, and even if it’s always meant to be funny, there is this warning tone in Eric’s voice suggesting how bad things could get if he insisted.

“Good boy,” Eric coos, kissing him on the lips.

He taste like coffee and beer and Jensen just tries not to gag.

“I’m sorry for what I said this morning,” Eric tells him. “I would never get rid of you. It’s just, sometimes, the way you act… it makes me so mad… and then I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m sorry it got you so upset you thought about calling a stupid helping line. If you’d do what I say things would be so much simpler, right?”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees because by now he knows when Eric asks for an answer, and he knows not to mess with it.

He’s already starting to feel the soothing effects of the drugs. The pain recedes, replace by numbness. Eric keeps on talking and Jensen listens, floating between consciousness and dream.

Everything is okay. Eric will make it all better. Eric loves him.

::: :::

September is cold in Augusta. After five years living in Maine, freezing his ass off, Jared is convinced he’ll never get used to the climate. 

The sun is up but Jared knows better than to count on it to actually generate any heat. He puts on a light vest over his tee and wraps a scarf around his neck.

He doesn’t have anything planned. At least, that’s what he’s telling himself. He’s just going out for a long walk on a Saturday morning.  
(A long walk with a piece of paper in his pocket that may be the address from where this Jensen guy called.)

He just wants to have a look. He won’t do anything.

Three days. Jared has hold on for three days, repeating to himself that all he had to do was to forget about the call. He can’t invite himself in a stranger’s life just because the guy made a mistake dialing. 

He called the cops. He did what he had to do.

Still, after another night of confused dreams and disturbed sleep, Jared can’t resist anymore. It’s like he’s haunted by this conversation, by the few words Jensen stuttered between sobs.

I’m so fucking tired, he’d said.

So Jared had looked up the address on Google Map and had realized how close it was to his apartment building. By then, he knew he would give in.

Take a walk in the cold morning, passing by Eric Johnson’s house, just to have a look, just to…

Yeah. Jared can’t go any further than this. Then what? What will he do after finding the house?

Nothing. Maybe I’ll see him, maybe…

“Maybe you’ll walk straight to the door and knock,” Jared mumbles, locking his apartment door. 

No. He won’t do this. He just needs some air.

Jared lives on the third floor and always takes the stairs. He used to run every morning and would use the stairs as a warm-up exercise.

When did he stop running? Six months ago? A year?

“A year and a half,” Jared thinks out loud as he reaches the first floor.

The thought depresses him so much. When did he stop caring about anything? What kind of man is he becoming?

“Shut up and walk, Padalecki,” he grumbles, and really, he should stop talking to himself out loud.

::: :::

To say Jared is surprised when he finally faces Eric Johnson’s house is an understatement. He already knew the neighborhood was one of Augusta’s wealthiest but he didn’t imagine he’d find a two story Victorian house with a well-kept garden and a Mercedes in the alley.

Jared stops despite of himself, hand shoved in his pocket, mouth wide open. You moron, he thinks, shaking himself out of his stupor. Because people are wealthy doesn’t mean they can’t have problems.

Or that they stay wealthy forever. A man can create his own company and work like crazy for years so that his children will have a future and suddenly lose everything. 

Jared is so lost in his gloomy thoughts he doesn’t realize at first that someone is looking back at him from the side of the house. When he does, his breath gets caught in his chest.

The man is young –barely eighteen, probably- and slim, even if his shoulders are wide. He has beautiful, messy dirty blond hair, a full mouth. He wears old jeans with holes at both knees and a long knitted shirt that must have been of a cream color once but is now a dull gray. The sleeves are rolled up but even then they cover half of the guy’s hands. He holds a watering can between them and doesn’t move. At all.

Because he looks terrified, like a dear caught in the headlights, Jared figures out slowly, in the same time he gets the certitude that this is the young man who called him asking for help.

“Are –are you looking for Dr. Johnson? Because he’s not here,” the man says in a defensive voice.

And before he can stop, instead of just saying he’s not looking for anyone and go on with his walk, Jared hears himself ask: “Jensen?”

“Yeah,” he answers in a breath. “Who are you?”

He doesn’t move from his spot, and when Jared takes a step toward him, he can see Jensen struggling not to back off.

“I’m Jared. Jared Padalecki. I’m…”

Jared looks around him to be sure there is no noisy neighbor or morning jogger nearby. He doesn’t want to shout but there are still at least ten feet between him and Jensen.

“I’m the guy you called. By mistake. The help line?”

Even from the distance, Jared can see the young man blushing, but he takes a few steps forward so it must be a good sign, right?

“You called the cops on me?” Jensen asks in a barely audible voice. “You called the cops and now you’re spying on me?”

“No -Hey, no. I mean… I called the cops because it’s a procedure we have to follow and hum… I was worried and…”

“But what are you doing here?” 

Two other steps forward. Jensen doesn’t seem that upset or scared anymore, just plain curious. 

“I’m –I’m not spying. S’just, I got the address with the phone number and the cops couldn’t get back to me and tell me if you were alright and I couldn’t… I was still worried.”

Jensen smiles –it’s a shy, short one but it’s sweet and it lighten his eyes. It’s Jared’s turn to walks toward him until only a couple of feet are keeping them apart. 

“You must think I’m stupid, calling a customer service line instead of –well…” Jensen shrugs.

He’s even more gorgeous now that Jared can see him closer. His features are delicate, the green moss color of his iris stunning, his eyelashes long and thick. He’s got freckles, for god’s sake.

“You’re not stupid. The phone number is almost the same. This happens all the time. That’s why we have a procedure. I’m sorry about the cops, really, I am.”

“No, it’s okay,” Jensen whispers, lowering his eyes. “I get it. I’m alright, you know. Was just… going through a rough time and needed to talk.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself.”

Jensen nods and bends down to put the watering can down. He winces and presses one hand against his right side as he straightens up.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just… bumped against a drawer the other night. Still a little sore,” Jensen explains quickly.

He clears his throat and stretches his hand toward Jared. It shakes a little. Jared smiles, doesn’t question the fact that Jensen could have easily told him to leave his property and mind his own business but didn’t. 

“I’m J-Jensen Ackles.”

“Jared. Padalecki.” Jared repeats, smiling like an idiot and taking Jensen’s hand in his, shaking it with enthusiasm.

He hadn’t felt that awake in months, can’t explain why.

“So. Jared. Sorry for all the trouble I put you through.”

Jared shakes his head. “No, I should be the one apologizing. As long as you’re okay…”

“I am,” Jensen cuts quickly. He smiles again, longer this time. His eyes crinkle. “Listen, I need to get ready for work so…” He waves his hand dismissively.

“Oh, really, you work on the weekends? Where?”

Why can’t Jared just shut his mouth and enjoy the moment? “Wait, you don’t need to answer. It’s none of my business.”

“I work at the French Café down the street,” Jensen explains. “Just part time but…”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve seen this place. Is the coffee any good?”

“Hum. Yeah, I guess. Prices are a little high, though.”

“It’s not far from where I live. I should stop buy some day.”

Jensen shrugs again and scratches the back of his head. “Yeah, why not?”

They part on this. For some reasons, Jared smiles all the way back home. Jensen Ackles. So sweet and shy and… 

Taken. And also young, Jared. You’re lucky if he’s eighteen.

Well, he won’t know until he asks, right? And the guy looks like he can use a friend. They can be friend, at least.

And Jared loves coffee. Even if the prices are a little high.

He’s so relieved to see that Jensen is at least still alive, doing better even–not to neglect the fact that their meeting does funny things to Jared’s stomach- that he spends the day cleaning his apartment and freaking enjoying it. 

Then he goes out and buys another goldfish, convinced this one will live more than a couple of weeks.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes three months for Jared to achieve what he’ll later refer to as his “taming Jensen Ackles” period. When he finds out that he’s crazy in love with the guy, probably somewhere between the fourth and sixth week of said taming, he knows he’s ready to endure being “just friend” with him for the rest of his life. That’s how quickly he gets attached.

It starts slowly. The first week, Jared just figures out how often Jensen works and how much a latte costs in a little pompous coffee shop with a French word in its name.

A lot. Jared has to cut off on his candy supplies.

As it turns out, Jensen works only three shifts a week –always Saturday and Sunday morning from nine to one, then Thursday or Friday nights from six to eleven. 

The very first time Jared enters the coffee while Jensen works, he’s busy cleaning a table. When he notices him, the young man freezes again –but this time, it’s not in fear. There is surprise, and maybe Jared is just imagining things, but there seem to be some happiness too somewhere in the deep blush that creeps up his face and the smile quirking his lips as he lowers his eyes.

That’s a victory.

Jensen works quickly, in silence. He doesn’t take orders. He works the barista and cleans up the tables. He never looks at anyone in the eyes, even his boss, a sweet middle aged woman who always talks to him very gently. Her name is Angela and she befriends Jared after a couple of visits. She seems to have a soft spot for him, letting Jared under the impression it has something to do with the way he treats Jensen.

The first month, Jensen and Jared barely exchange a couple of words. Jensen blushes and stutters and becomes nervous around him, but he’s always eager to prepare his table or to greet him when Jared enters the coffee.

Then, toward the beginning of October, on a quiet Thursday night, Jared hears Angela telling Jensen to take a break and he jumps on the opportunity. Waving at him from his table close to the barista machine, Jared invites Jensen to sit with him. The young man bites his lips, then nods, pouring himself a glass of water before joining him.

He sits awkwardly and murmurs a “thank you.”

“Come on, we’re becoming friends, right?”

“We are?” Jensen asks, rising an eyebrow.

Jared smiles. “Well, the coffee here is good but why do you think I keep coming back?”

Something passes in Jensen’s eyes. He looks upset suddenly. “I… Jared, I… I’m with someone, you know.”

“I know. He’s freaking lucky if you ask me but hey, we still can be friends, right?”

Jensen nods, still unsure, but his tensed body seems to relax a little. 

“So, what’s new?” Jared asks. “What are you up to these days?”

“Hum. Nothing. Nothing special.”

“Oh. Well, as for me, I’ve succeeded in keeping a goldfish alive for more than a month. That’s a personal record.

Half a smile is pulling on Jensen’s lips. He frowns. “What do you mean?”

“They kept on dying. Don’t know why. I would come back from work and they would be floating on their little fish bellies.”

“Oh. Maybe you fed them too much, or not enough?”

“I don’t know man, but this one, he’s in for the long haul, I can tell.”

Jensen is visibly trying to repress a larger smile, biting hard on his lower lip. “Does it have a name?”

“Yeah. Fuzzy Peach the Fourth.”

“What?” Jensen snorts despite himself.

“They’re the color of fuzzy peaches. You know the candies. Well, goldfishes. Fuzzy peaches color.”

“Kind of,” Jensen agrees, his eyes bright with amusement. “And the number, I guess it’s your fourth fish?”

“Bingo.”

Before Jared can add anything, Jensen has to get back to work when a group of four enters the coffee shop and all of them order lattes. Still, this is definitely a step forward. On Jared’s next visit, Jensen comes to sit with him for ten whole minutes. It becomes a habit.

It’s incredibly hard to make Jensen talk about himself. He gets defensive, starts to stutter and looks so upset Jared never presses the issue for long. Still, over the weeks, he manages to gather some information. Jensen is twenty years old and doesn’t have anyone. He’s from Portland. He’s been living with his boyfriend for four years. He was sixteen –a kid- Jared thinks, hiding his surprise. The boyfriend, Eric Johnson, is a doctor, which should put him at least in his late twenties. “He saved my life, literally,” Jensen whispers. “He took me in when I had nowhere to go.”

This relationship seems shady, at least, but Jensen doesn’t say anything else and changes the subject each time Jared tries to bring it up. Once, Jared asks to meet Eric. “Boyfriend of my friend should be my friend too,” he says clumsily. 

This put Jensen in a great agitation state. His lower lip start shaking and he’s breathing deep and quick like he can’t get enough air. “Eric… he doesn’t… he’s not really interested in m-m-meeting my f-f-f… Damn it! My friends. I d-duh-“

“Hey whoa, it’s okay. I don’t have to meet him if you think it’s better this way.” Jared coaxes softly. 

Jensen nods and excuses himself. When he comes out of the bathroom, his eyes are red, like he’s been crying. Jared feels like a jerk. The young man is still a mystery to him but he’s growing on him with an intensity Jared can’t really understand. Still, he can’t stand the thought of being the one responsible for making him cry. He doesn’t know what Jensen has been through exactly and guesses it will take some time before he begins to unravel it himself.  
What Jared does know is that he’s fragile and vulnerable; anxious. At the same time, he’s always so eager to laugh at Jared’s lame jokes, seems perpetually surprised that Jared keeps coming back, keeps wanting his company like he wants to snatch every tiny piece of happiness he can get from life. It’s kind of heartbreaking. 

Jared isn’t blind, though. There is much more to Jensen’s relationship with Eric Johnson than he lets Jared know. Jared has begun to suspect some form of abuse early on but what can he do? Jensen won’t talk about it, they don’t know each other well enough for Jared to ask frankly and Jensen doesn’t show any evident signs of abuse, physically. Knowing nothing about the situation and unable to meet Eric Johnson, all Jared can do is speculate for the time being. When he gets to know Jensen better, when the young man will open up himself a little more, Jared has the very firm intention to make sure he’s not in a situation where he’s suffering.

In the meantime, all Jared can do is worry about it.

::: :::

It’s mid-October when Genevieve figures out where Jared spends his weekends. On a quiet afternoon at the office, she starts asking questions and doesn’t let go until Jared has spilled everything. When he’s done, she remains silent for a long time, enough for Jared to blush under her gaze –he doesn’t even know why. Or maybe he does, maybe he’s been scared of what she would think of this.

“I figured you’d met someone,” Gen finally says. “But this… don’t you think it’s a bit fucked up, Jared?”

“Kind of. I guess.”

“The guy doesn’t think you’re some weirdo stalking him? Some kind of suicide watch?”

“Maybe in the beginning. Maybe he did. He’s lonely, Gen, and…”

She raises her hand in a soothing gesture. “Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m not judging. It’s just… I don’t want you to get hurt. He is with someone and according to you, he may be in some kind of trouble.”

“I know that.”

“Okay. But fuck, Jay, talk to me. I’m not your mother, I’m your friend.”

“Well,” Jared clears his throat and readjust his head phone set. “We’ve been working together for almost two years now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you never got to know me before I… I was a different guy when I arrived in Augusta. Told you about Ethan, right?

Gen nods. Ethan had been the reason Jared had chosen to start college here, so far from home. They were together for six month when Jared’s boyfriend decided to move here to get closer to his family. Jared was young and stupid and didn’t think life would ever be anything else than kind to him.

“It’s my fault. When my father couldn’t pay my college fund anymore I acted like my life was over. Ethan, he tried to encourage me. He’d help if I find a job and maybe I could’ve gotten a loan from the bank after a while. I was difficult. Didn’t want him to help me, thought I couldn’t do it and when I found a job here I dropped everything and decided that my college years were over, that my life would be like it is now forever. Of course Ethan split up with me. I was acting like a freaking kid throwing a temper tantrum. He said I had been spoon fed for too long and he was right.”

“It was hard for you, Jay.”

Jared shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t that hard. I acted like it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me and now I realize I was selfish, stupid and lazy. It’s like… I fell asleep when I dropped out of college and never woke up. I don’t like my life, I keep complaining but I don’t do anything to change it. And the first time I met Jensen it’s… Fuck, don’t laugh.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“It’s like I felt like I was waking up and huh… I’m empty, Gen. I’m empty and Jensen fills some space and it feels good. I know he’s with someone but I can’t even care. When he smiles at me I don’t care about anything.”

Saying these words out loud is like realizing their true meaning for the first time and Jared is ridiculously close to tears. Gen smiles kindly at him and rubs his left arm.

“So I’m getting to know the real Jared right now?”

“I don’t know. I supposed the younger me was kind of stupid and took everything for granted. Maybe you wouldn’t have liked him.”

“I love every freaking Jared that can be living inside this head,” Genevieve laughs, pointing Jared’s temple. “You big wuss,” she adds with affection.

::: :::

The beginning of December brings a little snow in Augusta. Jared missed Jensen’s Thursday night shift to attend a stupid office party. He wakes up early Saturday morning, eager to see him again. 

 

When Jensen walks in to the café to start his shift, Jared is already there, waiting. His mouth drops open and he has to think about it consciously for it to close.

Jensen’s cheeks are red from the cold and there are snowflakes in his hair, he shakes his feet near the door and rubs his hands together. He doesn’t have any gloves and the vest he’s wearing seems worn off, way too light for this kind of weather. Still, he’s stunning, and when he sees Jared, a smile lightens up his face.

Jared can’t wait for Jensen’s break and spends the next two hours watching him work, catching a shy smile each time Jensen looks in his direction.

When the young man finally sits in front of him, the smile widens.

“Wow. You’re in a good mood.”

“I love it when it’s snowing,” Jensen says, looking out the window. “When we were young, my friend Chris and I we used to…”

He stops as a shadow passes on his face. 

“You what?”

“We would climb the small hill behind his house and slide on old cardboard boxes for hours. It was… fun.”

“Must have been. I sadly don’t have the same love as you for this cold white shit. Geez, I miss Texas.”

“Don’t be like this. Snow is fun,” Jensen protests forcefully, like Jared personally insulted him. It’s adorable.

“Meh.”

“Come on, walking under the snow when those huge flakes are falling…” Jensen coos.

He seems so engrossed by the idea that Jared acts on an impulse. “Well, show me. We should go for a walk after your shift is over… Or maybe a little later? They say it’s going to go on like this for most of the day.”

Jensen observes him under his lashes, biting his lower lip. The dreamy smile that was on his face slowly dies. “I… I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Okay, no problems. Maybe another time?”

Jared does his best to hide his deception. It’s not the first time he’s trying to convince Jensen to do something with him but he’s always received the same negative response. Still, lately, there had been some visible regrets accompanying it and Jared has learned to be patient since he met the young man. Understanding how uneasy Jensen seems, Jared gives him the latest news about Fuzzy Peach the Fourth, exaggerating his adventures. Five minutes later, Jensen is hiding his mouth behind his hand, shaken by a fit of laughter. And that’s enough for Jared.

Later that afternoon, Jared is home, talking with his sister on Skype. Megan tells him their parents are doing okay so far. Jared’s mom has been promoted to head cashier, which is great since she won’t have to work for the minimum wage anymore. Still, it’s a shame that she and her husband both have to work long hours to meet month’s ends. Sherry has adjusted quickly to their new situation after the bankruptcy. Jared’s father… Not so much. Maybe because he feels personally responsible –like he has anything to do with a whole country going into recession. After he had to shut down his company, Gerry Padalecki had a rough time finding a new job and is now employed by a construction group, working on different sites sometimes up to 60 hours a week. He comes home tired and depressed. The laughing and proud father Jared used to know is gone forever, he sometimes think.

He’s about to end the conversation with Megan when his cell phone rings. He waves at her and ends the Skype connection, answering without looking who’s calling.

“Yes?”

“Hum…”

Jared is surprised to recognize Jensen’s voice, even though Jensen has his phone number. Jared had given it to him about a month after their first meeting, but he never used it before.

“Hey, Jensen?”

A long pause.

“Jense?”

“Yeah, hi.”

“Hi. You okay?”

“I was hum… I… you know what? It’s nothing I…”

“Hey. Whoa. Calm down,” Jared says very gently not to scare him off. “Just tell me why you called.”

Come on, he thinks. You can do it.

“The hum… The walk.”

“The what?”

“You wanted to take a walk and I said no but I changed my mind and yeah you’re probably busy doing something and I’m sorry if I-“

Jared smiles and stops Jensen before he chokes on his never ending sentence.

“That’s great. I’m ready. Want us to meet at your place?”

“No! Huh… Let’s… meet halfway. The Café, maybe?”

“Alright. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Okay. I… You sure you wanna…”

Jared can practically hearJensen blushing.

“Yeah, I’m sure, Jensen. I was the one asking in the first place.”

“…Right.”

It is still snowing when Jared joins Jensen, small, lazy flakes that keep floating in the air like they won’t ever hit the ground. The temperature has lowered too. Jensen has added an old hoodie to his morning outfit under the vest and has his hands shoved in his pockets, which surely means he still doesn’t have gloves. Jared feels like a wuss with his hat and scarf and mittens and damn winter boots, like he’s ready to walk until he reaches the North Pole or something.

He changes his mind when he sees Jensen’s teeth chattering despite his smile.

“You cold?” He asks a little stupidly.

“M’alright,” Jensen shrugs. “Which direction?”

Jared looks around himself for a moment. “Well it’s your neighborhood, you choose.”

“East, to follow the river road,” Jensen says quickly. “If you want.” He adds, lowering his head.

“It’s perfect for me.”

They walk in silence, shoulder to shoulder, for the first few minutes. Jared takes deep breaths and tries to enjoy the snow as much as Jensen does, even if he keeps shaking from the cold. 

“Look, come on, take my scarf, it’s ridiculous: you’re cold and I’m way too dressed,” Jared insist after a while.

Before Jensen can refuse, Jared is wrapping his knitted scarf around his neck. The young man doesn’t move, tensed, jaw clenched, and Jared figures it must be from the shyness.

“I… thanks.”

“You look good in it.”

Jensen shakes his head and starts walking again. He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself anymore. Jared wonders if the scarf has been a mistake and doesn’t know how to get him back in a more cheerful mood. He’s still pondering what’s the best thing to do when Jensen begins to walk a little quicker, frowning.

“Why are you doing this?” He asks without looking at Jared. 

His voice is still soft but there’s an hint of disenchantment in it.

“What? Lending you my scarf?”

Jensen’s frown deepens. “You know what I mean. Being my friend and…”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Don’t… Don’t make me say it. I’m… I can’t give anything back.”

It’s like someone else is talking with the voice of Jensen, someone older, who’s seen and has been through too many things “You are giving back,” Jared murmurs. 

“I’m not gonna kill myself, if that’s what you’re worrying about.” Jensen all but spits.

Jared knows he’s walking a thin line here. He chooses his words carefully. “Well, good to know. But I’m not some kind of savior, that’s not why I keep going back to the café.”

“Then why?”

“Hum…” Jared smiles to himself, a little embarrassed. “Because you’re so damn gorgeous when you laugh. And you’re kind, and sweet… And I’m lonely, and when I see you I don’t feel that lonely anymore.”

“Jared-“

“I know you’re with someone and I would never try anything, but it’s more than a freaking crush. I don’t know, man. I want us to be friend. I feel good, feel fucking alive when you’re around.”

Jensen snorts and bites his lips. His features relax slowly. He turns his head and smile, his eyes searching Jared’s ones. 

“Okay, then,” he says, not a hint of the previous roughness in his voice anymore. “Okay.”

And a sweet warmness invades Jared’s chest. He feels young and vibrating with energy, crazy… high and drunk on the other’s man presence next to him. 

Jensen is right, the snow falling is beautiful. Jared doesn’t know how he missed it before.

::: :::

It’s almost four in the afternoon when Jared and him part in front of the café. Jensen knows Eric won’t be back home until after six but he keeps up a good pace, nervous but still smiling like the idiot it is.

What he’s doing, it doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s making a new friend, that’s all there is to it.

Eric doesn’t have to know. If he knew, he wouldn’t understand how sweet and inoffensive Jared is. Eric keeps saying Jensen can’t be trusted. He’s too fragile, too emotional to have a good instinct about those things. That’s how Jensen found himself on the streets four years ago, after all.

Eric doesn’t want Jensen to see other people because he can’t always be there to protect him. It took him three years before he allowed Jensen to find a job and even then, he’d made the search himself and met Angela at the Café even before Jensen could go on with his interview. He had not allowed more than fifteen hours a week and given instruction to Jensen to focus on the job and not to try and be friendly with the patrons. 

Not because his boyfriend is a bad person, but because he doesn’t want Jensen to be misled or abused by anyone.   
Jensen gets it. He’s not worth all the time and energy Eric is giving to him. He’s vulnerable, unable to care for himself. He’d be dead if Eric hadn’t been the one working at the E.R. the night he overdosed. 

Still, from the beginning, Jensen hadn’t been able to stay away from Jared. He’s not in love with him –he doesn’t really know what love is about, Eric had told him numerous times. He’s a fool, ready to fall for the first person giving him some attention.

Like the little attention whore you are. You don’t realize it, love, but you are. I can see it. Only I can see you for who you really are.

Jensen knows he hasn’t done anything to get Jared’s attention –not after the wrong number humiliation anyway- and he doesn’t want it to end, the thing they have, how good it feels inside when he sees him, how everything seems brighter, less painful, when Jared is there. 

It’s a secret. A precious secret. A giant secret with long hair and dimples and eyes like the sun is shining through them.

Jensen blushes at his own thoughts. He’s not a good person, Eric is right. He tried to follow the rules but he couldn’t resist in the end. When he’d call Jared this afternoon, he’d felt dirty and wrong but at the same time, the need to do this, to spend some time alone with Jared, couldn’t keep him away.

Eric doesn’t have to know.

Walking up Exeter Road, Jensen doesn’t have to wait long before he sees Eric’s Volvo parked in their alley.

Jensen stops walking so suddenly he almost falls forward, tripping on his own feet. He tries to suck a breath in but it’s getting caught in his throat, swelling painfully.

Of course. Of course Eric would be home early. How did Jensen even allowed himself to think he could keep his secret.

And now there will be hell to pay. There always is.

He doesn’t have to know, a small voice rises up in Jensen’ head. You just went out for a walk. That’s all there is to it. Eric knows how much you love it when it’s snowing. Just behave normally and everything will be fine. Your secret will be safe.

Bracing himself, Jensen walks up the rest of the way at a normal pace. His hands are shaking. He shoves them in his pocket and tries to keep a calm composure even if his heat is hammering in his chest so hard it hurts.

Eric has just arrived home. He’s still in the lobby, taking his shoes off. He smiles at Jensen when the young man steps inside and closes the door behind him.

“I knew you wouldn’t resist the temptation to be outside by this weather,” he tells Jensen, kissing his forehead.

“Yeah I… went for a walk,” Jensen murmurs, lowering his eyes. Eric doesn’t like it when Jensen stares.

He bends down to take off his wet sneakers, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to pull this off. 

When he straightens up, he finds himself face to face with Eric, their nose almost brushing. Eric smiles softly.

“Love?”

“Yeah?”

Something… Something’s off. Jensen can’t figure out what exactly, doesn’t even have the time to panic because Eric’s bending his head toward him and murmuring in his hear. “Who’s scarf is this?”


	3. Chapter 3

Author’s notes: The first part of this chapter contain triggers: there is a dub-con/almost non-con situation. For those of you who find this chapter hard to read, I found it hard to wrote. It's the worst. Things get to the comfort side of h/c afterward.

 

Chapter 3

The fingers run over his back. It’s like a slow torture. Eric’s naked body covers his. He whispers in his ear: “You’ll never do it again, don’t you, love?”

“No. I’m sorry,” Jensen hears himself say.

His voice is dull, monotone, like it’s not really his.

He’s here and he’s not. The pain is a dull throb somewhere but so, so far away. His left arm is the only thing keeping him in the here and now, it seems. Even stuck in a thick bandage and resting on a pillow, it’s hot and sensitive. The muscle twitches randomly. It hurts.

He wonders if he should ask for more drugs. Doesn’t have the energy to do so. Eric is so heavy…

Eric’s fingers are in his ass, opening the muscle. He doesn’t take his time. It should hurt but as everything else, it’s a distant, almost insignificant feeling.

Eric pushes into him, fast. Jensen closes his eyes and gives himself up completely. His boyfriend says how much he loves him, how much he worries about him, again and again.

“Why?” He asks. “Am I not enough for you?”

It goes on like this and Jensen’s mind drifts off. Jared is smiling at him, telling him some story about a client who called his service asking how to use a staple.

There’s a twitch deep in his asshole, followed by the wet sensation of Eric emptying himself.

He pants hard and fast in Jensen’s neck, then starts kissing it, making a trail with his lips to his right shoulder where he sucks on the skin.

Jensen wants it to be over. He wants to sleep. Get off me, he pleads silently because his mouth is too numb now, he can’t say anything.

The sucking shifts into a bite. Eric’s teeth sink into his skin. A high-pitched moan is pushed out of Jensen’s lungs. A tongue licks the blood on his skin.

“Love you so much. I’ll never let you go, my sweet little whore.”

::: :::

He wakes up in a gasp and his body jerks painfully, protesting at the sudden movement. 

The living room is dark. Eric must have gone to bed some time ago. Jensen can hear him, snoring on the second floor. Their room is right over his head and there is this soft vibration going through the floor. 

He’s safe. For the time being.

Jensen rises on his elbows, wincing. His stomach and chest hurt like hell. He knows he’s probably already covered in bruises. Nothing new there.

His stomach churns when he tries to sit too abruptly and he closes his eyes, taking deep breaths and waiting for the nausea to subside. The last remaining effects of the drugs Eric gave him are vanishing quickly. It’s always like a fall, Jensen’s senses coming back to life, and it’s never pleasant.

The anxiety is building quickly in his chest. There is nothing he can do about it, nothing he can think of to calm himself down. His head is pulsing in pain, a dull throb that’s irradiating from the nasty cut over his left eyebrow. He softly presses around the butterfly strips, feeling the skin swollen and hot. There’s a thin line of dried blood below it.

Lowering his fingers, Jensen pushes on the bump burning hot right on the bridge of his nose. It hurts when he breathes through it. It’s not as swollen as it could have been because Eric took care of it with some ice. “Not broken, stop whimpering like a little girl,” he had cooed.

Jensen flexes his left wrist. It doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. The elastic brace is still snuggly tied around it.

Come on, you’re okay, he thinks. You’ve had worse. Come on, no need to panic.

But he does, of course he does. He won’t see Jared again. He won’t go back to work. Eric has been very clear. Jensen can’t be trusted. 

Burning tears are filling from his eyes. He tries to swallow back a sob. He doesn’t want Eric to wake up. Please God don’t let him wake up.

Jensen’s scared of getting up, doesn’t know if he can. He was so out of it last night when Eric…

Oh. Yeah. When Eric made love to him. Jensen swallows back the acrid mouthful of saliva burning his throat. He can feel it in his ass, knows he probably bled a little. His sphincter is swollen and sensitive. Jensen shifts, trying to find a more comfortable position. 

You moron, an annoying voice in his head mocks. There is no comfortable position for you right now. He beat you until you begged him to stop, he drugged you and then he fucked you when you were barely conscious. Oh, wait, isn’t what a rape is called?

Jensen hates those surges of lucidity that always come after one of Eric’s anger fit. He hates being able to see it for what it really is. That’s what the withdrawal does to him, when the pills can’t numb the pain anymore, when he feels raw and exposed to whom he really is.

What happened is his own fault. He never should have befriended Jared. He hid things from his boyfriend and now he’s paying the consequences, that’s all there is to it.

You went for a walk with a guy. Think it’s a good reason for having your head knocked up against a wall? For being yelled at, threatened, beaten until nothing made sense anymore?

Eric loves him.

Yeah, right. That’s what love is about. Jesus, Jensen, that’s really the life you want?

Eric saved him. Eric is the only one he has, the reason there is a roof over his head. Jensen can’t even obey the very simple rules established between them.

You keep telling yourself this, you go on. The truth is one day he’s gonna kill you. Eric’s gonna kill you and you know it –maybe even wished for it at some level in that crazy brain of yours.

“Shut up, Chris,” Jensen rasps, unable to control the violent shivers that are wracking his body. He’s breathing too hard, too fast, he’s crying and if he keeps up with it there is no way Eric is going to keep on sleeping.

Jensen slowly drags himself up. It’s not pleasant. It hurts so bad. He’s so tired of everything hurting all the time.

He needs to go to the bathroom because there, between the thick walls, Eric won’t hear him. 

Jensen sways on his feet and starts walking slowly, moaning as low as he can, and clenching his teeth to hold everything in. He passes through the kitchen illuminated by the soft light of the moon. Something catches his eyes: Eric’s cell phone is on the counter on its charge.

Call Jared. You memorized his phone number by heart so that Eric wouldn't find it.

The simple thought of making such a bald move after what he’s been through is so frightening it makes it impossible to breathe for long seconds. Still, Jensen stretches his right hand and grabs the phone. It almost slips through his fingers, making his heart skip a beat. He holds onto it and makes his way slowly to the bathroom. 

He closes the door behind him and turns on the lights. His eyes hurt and he wipes at them, trying once again to hold back his tears.

Now that he’s in some kind of shelter, a place where he doesn’t have to keep quiet and be still, he can’t stop. Holding on to the phone like a life line, he slides on the floor and burst out crying out loud. The voice in his head that knows damn well how horrible his life really is is yelling now. Get some help, get some help before it’s too late.

“So tired,” Jensen hiccups, “so tired, mom please, come and get me please…”

And isn’t he pathetic? Crying for a woman he hasn’t seen in fifteen years because the soft memories associated to her refuse to die. Mom’s soft touches and voice, mom rocking him to sleep and telling him stories and calling him his little sun. “My sweet little sun shining so bright for mommy.” She would say, stroking Jensen’s blond hair.

He grimaces and sniffs the clear snot dripping down his nose, tickling his swollen, cut upper lip. “So tired, so tired, I don’t… I can’t…”

Can’t take it anymore.

::: :::

Jared doesn’t even stir when his phone starts to ring. It’s not his usual morning ring, he thinks vaguely, trying to grab it on the nightstand without opening his eyes.

Yeah, definitely not his morning wake up call. Genevieve set it for him: Wagner’s overture, like at the beginning of Apocalypse Now. She thought she was being funny.

“Who’s freaking calling,” Jared rasps, still barely awake. 

His eyes, open to slits, catch the bright numbers of his watch sitting next to his phone. It’s one in the morning.

That can’t be good, Jared thinks vaguely before grabbing his cell and answering.

There is nothing at first, and Jared is too freaking tired to be patient.

“Yeah, who’s this?”

“… Jared.”

The whisper is almost inaudible but Jared recognizes it immediately. He sits in bed abruptly. 

“Jensen, what’s going on?”

“Can’t… I’m…” Jensen hiccups at the other end of the line and hell, he sounds exactly like the first time Jared heard him, when he thought he was calling the Suicide Help Center.

“Whoa. Hey, it’s okay, tell me what’s going on? Where are you?”

“H-huh-home. I’m… shit. Can’t take it anymore, Jared, m’sorry I…”

“No no no, nothing to be sorry for. Tell me what happened, are you safe?” Jared asks in a hurry. He’s already out of bed, trying to put his jeans back on without letting go of the phone.

“M’in the bathroom… He… He’s sleeping,” Jensen blurts out.

“Eric? Your boyfriend?” Jared freezes on his spot. “Jensen, did he do something to you?”

There is a shuddering breath at the other hand of the line. “I…”

“Jensen. You can tell me. I know something’s going on. I know, do you understand?”

Please understand, Jared prays, grabbing his discarded shirt on the floor. Please.

“The s-s-scarf,” Jensen breathes out. “Forgot to give it back to you. He… he whu-was so mad and I’m so tired of this, Jared, I can’t-“

“He hurt you?”

“I… it’s, I’m not supposed to I… lied to him I wasn’t-“

The panic is rising in Jensen’s voice at an exponential rate. Jared walks out of his room, hits the door frame with his shoulder, but doesn’t even slow down.

“Jensen, listen to me: I’m coming to get you.”

“No, Jared, you can’t-“

“Hey, there is no discussion here. You don’t have to endure this, there is no reason for you to endure this.”

“He’s… he won’t let you-“ Jensen murmurs, exhaling loudly. “P-p-please don’t-“

“Stay where you are. Can you tell if he’s still asleep?”

“Don’t know.”

Jared has his boots on and his jacket more or less in place. He searches for his keys on the table near the entry. 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m coming.”

“Jared don’t-“

“You stay in the bathroom until I get there. Lock yourself in. Can you see the street from there?”

“No!”

“Okay, I’ll use my horn and I’ll wait for you near the door.”

“God, Jared, I c-c-can’t-“

“Yes you can. Listen to me Jen, I’ll be there soon and you won’t have anything to fear from him, I’ll be there. I’m getting to my car right now.”

Jensen tries to say something but it gets lost in a mess of moans and hysterical sobs. Jared swallows back his own emotions and opens his car door in the cold night. Let him be alright, he thinks. Let him be okay when I get there.

“Jensen?”

“…”

“Jensen, are you still there?”

“He won’t let me go,” Jensen declares matter-of-factly.

“We’ll see about this. You did the right thing, calling me.”

Damn, stupid scarf, is all that goes through Jared’s head as he starts driving on the desert streets.

::: ::: 

Jared doesn’t think he ever found himself in this kind of situation. It takes him all but five minutes to reach Exeter Road. When he’s there, he turns off the lights of his car. Like he’s in some kind of action movie, like anything in real life bears even the slightest resemblance to a Hollywood flick. He laughs at himself, out of nervousness more than anything else, and slows down.

He doesn’t know what to expect. Suspecting that Jensen is suffering from some kind of abuse and being thrown in the middle of a domestic violence situation are two separate things. It’s the freaking middle of the night and everything seems so surreal that for one second, it almost seems plausible that he’s still asleep and going through one of his fucked up never ending dreams.

“This is so messed up,” he murmurs, stopping and cutting the car’s engine two houses away from Jensen’s place.

Then, the surreal sensation he’s been riding since he hung up and left his apartment gets wiped out when he sees a silhouette standing outside near the door. 

Jensen.

Jared gets out of his car and walks up directly to him, accelerating as he gets closer to have a better look at his friend.

“Jesus, Jensen,” he whispers.

He’s standing outside in his freaking boxers and t-shirt. He doesn’t wear any shoes, just old wool socks. He’s shivering so badly Jared can hear his teeth chattering. Jensen tenses when Jared approaches, his eyes wide with fear.

“God, what did he do to you?” Jared can’t help but ask, taking in some blooming purple bruises on Jensen’s white legs, and a badly swollen knee. He keeps his left arm protectively against himself. It’s wrapped in some kind of bandage and cradled with his right arm.

The face is the worst, probably because the turmoil of emotions affecting Jensen is perfectly visible on it. His hair is plastered on his head, he’s got a wound on his forehead, a small cut on the bridge of his nose, the whole area red and swollen. His upper lip is jutting out sporting a large cut. It’s of a nasty bluish color.

“You have to g-ghu-go,” Jensen whispers.

“What? No, come on, you’re coming with me.”

“I can’t. I can’t, Jared. It’s alright, I over reacted.”

Jared stares at him in disbelief. “Jensen. It’s freezing and you’re standing outside in your boxers. You’re… God, the asshole just beat the crap out of you. Jensen, you aren't thinking clearly right now. Come on, you come with me, I’m not leaving you here.”

“You don’t understand,” Jensen cuts. “I don’t want him to hurt you, I can’t… I think he’s still sleeping. He won’t know what I did and-“

“No. Stop this. I’m not scared.” Jared takes a step forward and grabs Jensen’s right arm softly but firmly.

That’s when the door opens besides them.

Time freezes as Jared takes in the man standing there, wearing one of those douche silk pajama with long sleeves and complicated circular pattern. Dr. Eric Johnson. He’s got a thin, pointy face and blond hair, a little longer on the side and front. It looks ridiculously shiny and healthy.

That’s him? Jared thinks confusedly. This normal-looking kind of douchey thirty something man? He’s the one responsible for Jensen’s current state?

Then he meets the guy’s eyes; a hardened, blue stare, and he starts to understand as a smile creeps up Johnson’s face. This is a man who’s so confident in himself, so high on his own power –let it be the one to terrorize a wrecked and distressed young man- he doesn’t even doubt the events are going to turn in his favor.

“Jensen, come back inside,” he says simply.

Jensen frees himself from Jared’s grip and lowers his head. His breathing is harsh and shallow, he’s shaking stronger than ever.

“Eric, look,” he rasps.

“Shut up and get in.”

It takes one look from Jensen, one of pure terror, to put Jared back into action.

“He’s coming with me,” he states as calmly as he can.

Eric Johnson lowers his eyes and laughs. “I don’t think so, sir, whoever you might be, you should turn back and go. Jensen made a mistake.”

Jensen can’t seem to be able to bear the tension anymore, trapped between the two men. Jared sees his eyes going glassy before they roll back in there socket. In slow motion, Jensen starts to sway on his feet, his upper body balancing dangerously from left to right.

“Sick,” he mumbles, and he would have fell on the hard concrete if it had only been for Eric who’s staring coldly at him.

But Jared is ready. He grabs him by the waist and holds him up. Jensen’s not unconscious, not really, but he’s not really there either. Even in this state, he practically melts in Jared’s embrace and a pitiful whimper escape his lips.

“Take him inside. He needs rest. He fell down the stairs earlier this evening. I’m a doctor I know how to care for him,” Johnson says matter-of-factly.

“You back off and leave us alone,” Jared answers, trying to maintain his apparent calmness.

Jensen’s body is shivering between his arms. Without thinking any further, Jared slides one arm under the young man’s knees and picks him up. Jensen actually tries to help, wrapping his arms around his neck in a weak grip.

“Do I need to call the cops?” Johnson asks.

There is a hint of incertitude in his still smiling face. 

Jared knows he can look impressive: he’s six-five and even if he hadn’t worked out in a year, he’s still quite large. He never felt the need to use his physic at his advantage –god knows he’s known to be as sweet and inoffensive as he’s well built- but now he gives everything he has, holding Jensen against himself like he’s weighting nothing despite the strain in his back and arms.

“You won’t do anything,” Jared states, lowering and slowing down his voice. “You and I both know it. You don’t want to make a scene to the neighbors and you’ll never risk calling the cops. Who’d believe the fucking lame stair excuse anyway?”

“You don’t know anything about him,” Eric snarls.

“Well, I know enough about you, you sick fuck.”

Taking a deep breath, Jared turns his back to Johnson and makes his way back to his car, walking surely but slowly, praying to seem as confident and determined as he wants the man to believe he is.

He doesn’t hear anything behind him. When he’s near his car and has to turn back to settle Jensen in the passenger seat, the house’s door is closed and the lights are off.

“I’m taking you at my place, Jensen, everything is going to be okay.” 

Jensen blinks dully at him. He’s still in a semi awake state. He tries to help when Jared sits him, muffling involuntary groans and moans of pain. When he’s leaning back against the seat, Jared takes off his jacket and covers him with it. Jensen blinks again but this time, he tries to come back to himself.

“Jared?”

“Yeah.”

“Where…?”

“You’re in my car. Wait a second.”

Jared quickly closes the door and goes to sits behind the wheel. He starts the engine and turns the heater to the max. 

“It’s going to get warm soon,” he whispers.

Jensen’s eyes remain on him as he shifts in first and starts driving. The rush of adrenaline Jared’s been riding for the last half hour is slowly receding and his hands are shaking on the wheel while a film of sweat forms on his forehead.

“We’re okay,” he tries to convince himself.

As soon as he’s far enough from Jensen’s house, though, he slows the car down and park to the side of the street.

“Jensen?”

Jensen nods softly. He isn’t shaking so bad anymore. A streetlight coming through the window is illuminating his face. It makes the skin whiter, makes the wounds jutting out in an almost grotesque way.

Jared tries to keep his anger at bay. It’s not what Jensen needs right now.

“Listen, Jensen. I… I don’t know what to do. I think you’d be better in a hospital-“

“No please,” Jensen cuts in a raw, broken voice. “No, don’t, I can’t…”

Tears start sliding down his cheeks. Jared rubs his arm in what he hopes is a soothing gesture.

“Just tell me where Eric is working and we’ll go someplace else.”

Jensen keeps shaking his head. “No, no, if you want to… Just … I can… Just drop me off and-“

“Drop you off? Where? Do you have family or friends you didn’t tell me about?”

“You don’t have to take me to the hospital,” Jensen says quickly. “It’s alright if you don’t want me at your place I can…”

Jensen grabs the door’s handle and starts fidgeting with it. It takes Jared a long second to catch up, but when he does, he’s immediately grabbing Jensen’s face between his hands, as delicately as he can, hushing him.

“Hey, stop. Stop, Jen. Listen to me: I don’t want to drop you off anywhere. If we’re going to the hospital, I’ll stay with you, I promise. We have to get you checked out. We have to call the police.”

“No, no please, not now I can’t,” Jensen protests, lowering his eyes. “I can’t, Jared, m’so tired, so freaking tired I-“

“Hey. Okay. Alright. We’ll go straight back to my place,” Jared coaxes, because hell if he’ll be responsible for upsetting Jensen even more than he already is. “Got it? No hospitals, no cops, just you and me, alright?”

Jensen nods and relaxes a little. 

“It’s over, Jensen,” Jared adds, getting the car back into gear. “You won’t ever have to go back to him.”

Jensen doesn’t answer. He closes his swollen eyelids and lean back against the seat, sighting. Something shifts in his painful, tensed features. He doesn’t look peaceful –far from it, but still, there is a hint of relief softening them.


	4. Chapter 4

He should be feeling so many things. He doesn’t. Lulled by the movement of the car, his mind wanders off. He called Jared.

I called Jared.

It should fill him with intense emotions. Fear, shame, guilt. Maybe his already weak brain cannot process completely the implications of what just happened yet. 

He called Jared. 

He left Eric.

He’s sleepy. That’s the only true sensation right now. His whole body should hurt. It does, in a way, except it doesn’t reach him. Not really.

For the first time in a long time the memory of his father comes back to him and he doesn’t fight it.

_Get out of here._

_Chris pulls his t-shirt on. His nose is still bleeding. He’s ready to fight back. Chris, always ready to run amok at the slightest provocation._

_Jensen is scared, never been so scared in his life. He doesn’t do anything, just stays there on the bed with his jeans open and his softening dick exposed to his father’s disgusted gaze._

_“Jensen, come on.”_

_Chris wants him to follow him. Jensen shakes his head. He’s paralyzed. “Go,” he murmurs. “Go, Chris.”_

_And Chris listens to him. Chris thinks they’ll meet later and then, everything will be alright._

_Maybe Jensen thinks his father just needs to process what he saw. His father loves him. Jensen is young and stupid but mostly ashamed, because the disgust he sees in his father’s eyes is unbearable._

_“You too,” his father says once Chris is gone._

_“Dad…”_

_“Fuck off, Jensen. You just… you get out of my house.”_

_“Dad, please.”_

_“Get dressed and go, damn it! I always knew something was wrong with you. Your damn mother did a great job messing you up… You… Just like her, you… little shit.”_

_Jensen doesn’t move. His father never talked to him this way. He starts crying, doesn’t know who the stranger yelling at him is._

_“I don’t want your fucking tears, Jensen! You… you behave like a fucking girl. Stop it. STOP IT. Be a man, damn it!”_

_Dad’s hand hits him hard on the cheek and Jensen’s head tilts back. He’s dizzy and the right side of his vision darkens. He tries to stand up. His father pushes him back on the bed. “Don’t come near me I can’t even stand you. I want you gone. I want you gone, I don’t care where, or how, but this isn’t your house anymore.”_

The car stops. Jensen blinks. Strange, he thinks again. How these events he’s buried deep inside of him are coming back now without all the pain that usually accompany them.

I called Jared. Jared is taking me away from Eric. 

Jensen is so tired.

Jared takes him into his arms to walk the distance to his apartment building.

“You think you can walk from now on if I help you?”

He doesn’t know but he nods. Jared’s arm is strong around his waist, dragging him slowly to the elevator. Jensen leans into the touch, wishes he could fall asleep right there. Jared’s body is like a cover against everything, massive and hot and so reassuring.

“Here we go.”

The apartment smells good. It’s a little chaotic.

Eric would hate it, Jensen thinks dully.

“I think we should get you into a bath. You’re still cold and… You’re hurting. It would do you good.”

Usually, Jared is loud. When he laughs, head tiled back, from his seat at the café, it echoes in the whole room. 

Not now. His voice is barely a whisper, almost breaking with caution. 

They don’t move anymore. Jared waits silently for Jensen to give him and answer. He nods again. A bath. Yeah.

The light of the bathroom is too bright. The noise of the water filling the tube reminds Jensen of all those time Eric took care of him. He pushes it away, stays in the here and now, with Jared.

He’s sitting on the closed toilet lid. Jared pulls his t-shirt off, careful not to touch Jensen’s left wrist. It doesn’t matter because right after, he asks if he can take the bandage off. Another soft head tilt does it.

Jensen can see the anger hardening Jared’s face when he sees the hidden skin. It’s there, red-purplish bruises still not completely formed, vaguely making out the shape of Eric’s fingers.

“Oh god, Jensen,” Jared lets out. 

The anger in his eyes fades quickly. Jensen blinks. “It doesn’t matter,” he slurs. “It’s not that bad.”

Jared bites his lips like he’s trying to keep silent. He takes a deep breath and kneels in front of Jensen. Jensen’s socks are softly pulled off.

“I’ll help you get the boxers off,” Jared explains. “I know it’s awkward but I don’t think you can do it by yourself.”

Jensen thinks about it, tries to feel any form of self-awareness, of uneasiness, but nothing comes. All he wants to do is agree to everything Jared says.

Always better to agree. He’d learned that since he started living with Eric. 

Jared helps him up and asks him to hold on to his shoulders while he takes off the underwear. Then, he leads him to the bath.

Stepping in, Jensen is aware of how everything hurts, but the pain still doesn’t quite reach him. He doesn’t even know how he’s still awake by then.

He realizes he was still shivering because it stops once he’s seated in the bath, head tilted back to rest again the tile wall because it’s too hard to keep it straight.

“I’ll get you something to wear, and some Tylenol, okay?” Jared says, taking Jensen’s discarded clothes in his hands. He does this funny movement where he turns on his heels but stops halfway. He bends his head down and freezes, staring at Jensen’s boxers. His features crumple when he finally seems to snap out of it.

“Jensen, god, did he rape you?”

Jared is so upset. Jensen doesn’t know what he means, what must be so terrible for Jared to be closed to tears. 

Rape.

“No,” he says.

“He forced himself on you after beating the crap out of you?”

“No,” Jensen protests, annoyed. “I let him.”

It’s fucking, it’s lovemaking. It’s… letting Eric have his way because it’s easier. Jensen tries to explain. “He gets mad when I do something stupid. He needs this afterward.”

“What? Oh god, Jensen, do you have any idea of what you’re saying?”

Jared drops the clothes on the floor and gets on his knees. He takes Jensen’s face between his hands, so softly, so carefully. Jensen can’t take his eyes away.

“Jensen. What happened to you, it’s serious, you understand that?”

Jensen nods. He doesn’t really get the level of intensity Jared puts in each of his words but he figures there must be something important going on.

“We need to report this. I should have taken you to the hospital. The cops, they will need to see what he did to you.”

And just like that, the meaning of Jared’s words sinks in. Everything comes back, everything hits him so much harder than Eric’s fists. 

The cops. 

The hospital. 

Everything he’s not supposed to do, to be. He called Jared. He let Jared take him away from Eric.

One day, I’ll end up killing you, and it will be your fault because you drive me fucking crazy! Eric had repeated, again and again. 

And Jensen had believed him every single time.

::: ::: 

Jensen goes from apathetic to hysterical so fast Jared doesn’t react at all at first. 

The young man’s eyes open wide and he pulls away from Jared’s hands abruptly, gripping the edge of the bath as his body sinks further down. His chest expands; he’s gulping air like he can’t breathe anymore.

“No, I can’t,” Jensen pleads, new tears sliding on his cheeks. “Don’t –don’t make me, Jared, don’t I’ll do anything you want just please don’t-“

He’s scared. Scared of me, Jared realizes in shock. It makes him nauseous. He tries to calm Jensen by hushing him, making soothing hand gestures. It doesn’t work. Jensen keeps begging and pleading, his voice getting higher, his breathing rhythm quicker. He kicks the water with his feet like he wants to run away.

“Jensen please!” Jared all but yells because damn it. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to make it better. He bends over the bath, holding himself by putting one hand against the wall, trying to get through to Jensen.

“Jensen I’m sorry,” he says, speaking loud enough to cover his friend’s hysterical monologue. “I’m sorry, please calm down you’ll hurt yourself.”

Jensen tries to get away from him but there is nowhere to go. He sits abruptly, water splashing everywhere. Jared loses his grip on the slippery wall and falls forward, his upper body meeting Jensen’s one, hard, his head landing in the crook of Jensen’s neck. 

Jared tries to get up but Jensen now fights in earnest. The hot water is wetting his t-shirt, his hair. He even gets a mouthful.

“Don’t,” Jensen raps. “Don’t, don’t –I’ll do anything you want-“

“I don’t want to force you into anything,” Jared replies and fuck it, he’s already half wet so he put both of his hands at the bottom of the bath to propel himself up, helping himself with his knees still firmly planted on the floor. He then grabs Jensen’s shoulders and forces the young man into an embrace, holding him tight against his chest and trying his best not to hurt his already bruised and broken body.

“Calm down, ssshhh, I won’t force you into anything, I swear,” he murmurs in Jensen’s hear. “You’re my friend and I’m upset because you’re hurt. I wish I knew what to do to make it better.”

Jensen’s heart is beating like crazy against Jared’s chest. He tries one last time to get away but he can’t keep up. He pants, his face shoved in the crook of Jared’s neck. His arms rise up to wrap themselves around Jared’s waist.

“Yeah, good, that’s it,” Jared soothes, “That’s it, calm down, I got you, Jensen. You hear me, I got you.”

“I’m… I’m so, so tired,” Jensen breathes out. 

His body convulses as he takes a loud, shuddering intake of air before he burst into tears, sobbing harshly in Jared’s arms and holding onto him for dear life.

“Okay, okay, it’s alright, just let it out,” Jared tries to be as reassuring as he can, rubbing small circles onto Jensen’s back, bending his head to rest his chin on the young man’s head. 

“Sorry,” Jensen hiccups. “Sorry, Jared, sorry I just can’t.”

“It’s alright. No need to worry about it anymore. It’s just you and me, okay?”

Jensen sobs louder and it feels like the cries are ripped out of his quivering chest. Jared blinks away his own tears. “Did you hear me? It’s okay, I won’t force you into anything you don’t want to do. Ever.”

Jensen nods weakly. Jared’s words seem to have sunk in and slowly but surely, his crying fit recedes. Minutes probably pass. Jared doesn’t know. But Jensen’s body is relaxing into his and it’s enough. He doesn’t move from his position until all that’s left of Jensen’s panic attack is a hiccupping intake of breath from time to time. The water is barely lukewarm by then and Jared’s knees are starting to protest.

“Are you ready to get out?” He asks, releasing his embrace for the first time to run his fingers through Jensen’s hair.

“Yes.”

Jared grabs a towel to wipe Jensen’s face of the mix of water, snot and tears covering it. He presses a little too forcefully on the wound over his eyebrow, making the young man tense and hiss between his teeth. “Jeez, sorry, I’m sorry. We’re done now,” Jared coaxes. “Here we go.”

Jensen follows Jared up, standing up in the cooling water of the bath, his arms wrapped around himself. If Jared doesn’t get him warm quickly, he’s going to start shivering again. He takes off his own wet shirt, helps Jensen to step out of the bath and wraps a towel around his shoulders. The young man’s eyes close and he moans in pain.

“What, your arm?”

“No, it’s my shoulder,” Jensen murmurs almost inaudibly. “S’okay.”

“Turn around. Please.”

Jensen doesn’t move. Jared does it himself, peaking at Jensen’s back, where he sees an angry looking wound he hadn’t noticed before. It’s not clean as the other ones and it consists of a series of punctures in the shape of…

Teeth. 

“He bit you,” Jared breathes out, unable to hide the horror in his voice.

It’s perfectly visible, though, that every little thing is too much for Jensen right now because his face crumples all over again and he swallows back the beginning of a sob. “It’s okay, Jared don’t get mad I…”

“Not mad. Hey, look at me, Jensen: I’m not mad.”

Jared gets how an emotional mess Jensen is right now. He gets that he can’t ask anything of him, not now. The right thing to do would be to get him to a hospital, to call the cops so that an official criminal complaint could be filled.

Because the monster is home right now while the young man whom he beat, terrorized and force himself onto is so emotionally wrecked he can’t even keep a rational chain of thought.

This is wrong.

What Jared knows too is that Jensen is in no state to have some stranger examine him, to answers questions and be exposed to the true nature of Eric’s abuse. Jensen needs to trust Jared. He needs to feel safe and to rest. Whatever has to be done will have to wait until then.

“I’m not mad,” Jared repeats more firmly. “Come on, come with me. You’re exhausted.”

Still wrapped in his towel, Jensen lets Jared lead him to his room. When he’s seated on the bed, Jared finds some clothes that could fit him, at least for the night. He grabs an old pair of sweatpants that shrunk in the dryer and a long sleeve cotton shirt.

“Can you put the pants on? I need at to clean up the bite, Jensen, okay? It could get infected. And you never got the Tylenol.”

“I’m sorry,” is what Jensen slurs, bending awkwardly to slides his feet in the sweatpants.

Stop saying you’re sorry! Jared screams inside his own head. How can someone apologize for having been bitten for Christ’s sake?

Jared gets himself together and goes back in the bathroom. He doesn’t have anything better than big Band-Aids and figures two aligned properly will do the job. He grabs some disinfectant, the pills, and a glass of water.

Jensen waits for him in silence, remaining very still. The waist of the pants looks loose around his sharp hipbones.

“There.” Jared opens his palm in front of him. 

Something passes in Jensen’s eyes: like a strange mix of revulsion and relief, but in the end, he swallows the Tylenol and downs the water in two gulps. Meanwhile, Jared does a quick work of cleaning the punctures wounds on his shoulder before covering it with the Band-Aid. It’s not bad.

“Thank you,” Jensen slurs. He tries to yawn but is stopped by the swelling of his upper lip. A soft moan vibrates in his throat.

“Do you want to put the elastic bandage on?”

“No.”

“Okay you’re going to sleep in my bed, alright? You’ll be more comfortable here. I’ll be on the couch.”

“I don’t wanna take your bed,” Jensen protests, but in the same time, he goes willingly when Jared helps him lie down. 

“It’s okay, Jen. You’re exhausted. I don’t even think I’ll sleep.”

Jensen’s eyes grow a little wider. “I… then you could… stay here.”

“You want me to stay with you?”

Jensen blinks and nods. Jared is careful. 

“Lie down next to you?”

Another nod. 

“Okay.”

It’s something Jensen needs, Jared can tell. He gets off the bed to change into pajama pants and is about to close the light when Jensen’s body jerks forward. “Is the door locked?”

“Yes, Jensen.”

“Because I don’t remember-“

“You’re right, I should check. I’ll be back.”

Jared doesn’t question it. Jensen needs to be reassured. He really does make sure the door is locked and comes back to Jensen who’s raised on his elbows, waiting anxiously.

“Done.”

“Okay.”

Jared turns off the light, then, and by the gasp Jensen is trying to stifle, he knows it’s too dark for him. As discreetly as he can, he steps out of the room and turn the hallway lights on. 

“We’re settled,” he says, clapping his hands together just as if his bed ritual always involves this.

Lying down is awkward. Jared doesn’t want Jensen to feel uncomfortable so he makes sure not to touch him as he lay on his back. He covers himself with his sheet, not wanting Jensen to disturb Jared from the warm cocoon of the comforter.

“You okay?”

He can see his friend’s eyes wide open in the dim light. 

“I don’t know.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Eric doesn’t know where you live,” Jensen whispers quickly. “He doesn’t know your last name. He can’t find me.”

“He can’t, Jensen, and he won’t.”

“I shouldn’t have done this.”

“Call for help? That’s the only thing you could have done, Jensen, and I get that it took you a lot of courage to do this. You did so good.”

“He’s gonna be so mad at me,” Jensen says, chocking on a sob.

“He hurt you. You should be the one mad at him.”

“I’m here, with you, and it’s like… Like I’m not me anymore, I don’t know why you came and I should have listen to him when he told me to get back inside and now, now when I go back-“

Jared turns on his side and leans his head in the palm of his hand.

“You won’t go back.”

“It’s my home, it the only one I’ve got,” Jensen protests, rubbing at his eyes to stop the tear flow. “What will you do with me, Jared? I can’t do anything I’m… emotionally unstable, Eric says that I-“

“Eric is wrong. He’s a sick man, Jensen. He should be punished for what he did. Can I… can I take your hand?”

“Yeah, you can.”

Jensen stretches his hand. It shakes between Jared’s one. Jared presses it softly. “I’ve never been in a situation like this before and I’m way over my head. I don’t know how to make it better, Jensen. I just want you to understand that I’ll be there for you, no matter what.”

“W-whu-why?”

“Because you’re my friend. You’re important to me. Nobody should suffer what you’ve just been through. Can you understand it?”

Jensen nods, sniffing. He laughs through his tears. “I’m scared.”

“I know.”

“I… I didn’t even get to see Fuzzy Peach the Fourth.”

It takes Jared a few seconds to understand what Jensen is talking about. When he does, he lets out a small laugh.

“He’s in the kitchen. He likes it there. You’ll meet him tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

They don’t talk after this. Jared keeps an eye on Jensen who remains on his back for a long time, staring at the ceiling. Here we go, Jared thinks, neither of us is going to sleep tonight –or whatever’s left of the night anyway. Is it that surprising? Jared has trouble processing everything that’s happened in the last few hours. He can’t get off his mind the bloody stain in the back of Jensen’s worn out boxers. Can’t stop imagining what Eric did to him, playing different scenarios in his head –each one as horrifying as the other.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to sleep again.

Jensen’s eyes began to close, eventually. When sleep takes its hold on him, he starts to shift until his shoulder and hip touch Jared’s body. He doesn’t let go of his hand, even when his breathing rhythm finally slows down. His fingers loosen a little, but his grip is still firm. Jensen sighs and lets out a small moan. 

Jared doesn’t dare to move, just looks at his friend sleeping, wishing he’ll be able to rest for at least a few hours. A surge of protectiveness is vibrating through his whole body and he makes himself a promise not to give up on Jensen however hard the days –hell, the months- to come will be.


	5. Chapter 5

Wagner wakes Jared up from a confusing nightmare in which he’s been running after someone while being chased at the same time. Groaning, he stops the alarm. Ten more minutes. Why is he so tired?

Jensen. 

The events of the previous night come back to him so fast it’s like he’s been physically hit. He sits abruptly and looks at the empty place Jensen was occupying before.

“Jensen,” Jared rasps, standing up quickly, blinking under the natural light.

He hears some noise coming from the bathroom and walks straight to it. The door is open and Jensen is shuffling through Jared’s pharmacy with nervous, clumsy motions. He’s pale, except for the wounds he’s sporting, and sweats so much his shirt is clinging to his chest.

“You need something?” Jared asks in a gruff voice.

“You huh… You gotta take me back,” Jensen mumbles, not even sparing him a look.

“What?”

“I need… I don’t feel good. When I don’t feel good Eric gives me some meds and now I…”

Jensen scratches the back of his head, steps from one foot to the other. He looks very agitated and probably in the middle of a panic attack.

“Hey, whoa. Jensen. Stop for a second.”

Jensen freezes and for the first time, he looks at Jared with blood shot eyes. “S-s-sorry about the m-m-mess I’m –I need to go, take m-mhu-me back, please.”

“What meds? Do you need to take them every day? Do you have an illness of-“

“N-n-n… Fuck it, NO! Just take me back.”

“You can’t go back to Eric, Jensen. He’s a freaking abuser, you know that. Try to calm down. We’ll sort this out.”

“I’ll walk,” Jensen declares, passing right by Jared.

Jared follows him to the door and grabs his arm. The reaction is immediate: Jensen freezes. Jared knows it works only because Eric Johnson has probably done this to him a thousand times but right now, he needs to get Jensen to focus.

“Jense. Look at me.”

Jensen is shaken by a shiver. He moves slowly to face Jared, his eyes carefully avoiding his. Well, it will have to do.

“Okay. Listen to me. You want to go back to Eric? Is this what you really want?”

Jensen’s lower lip quivers. “I… It’s…”

“Jensen.”

“No!” Jensen all but yells. “You know I don’t but I need the pills, and-“

“Do you take those pills every day, for like… diabetes, or I don’t know…”

“Not every day,” Jensen whispers, calming down suddenly. “Juss… When I misbehave or if I’m in pain.”

“Okay. Okay. If you’re in pain we can get you something. Come on, come with me. We’ll go into the kitchen and talk about it, alright?”

Jared lets go of Jensen’s arm and waits, praying that his words have really reached his friend. 

Jensen follows him. He even sits at the table without having to be asked. Fuzzy Peach the Fourth is happily doing nothing in his bowl, serving as a centerpiece. It seems to sooth Jensen, because he immediately focuses his attention on it.

“He’s doing great, by the way,” Jared says before going back to the bathroom to grab the bottle of ibuprofen.

He offers two pills to Jensen, with a glass of water.

“Advil. For the pain. I don’t know what you usually take but this works better than Tylenol for me.”

Jensen takes the pills with a shaky hand and swallows them. He grimaces and rubs a hand over his stomach.

“Feel sick?” Jared asks, sitting in front of him.

“No, s’okay.”

Jensen can’t remain still. One of his legs is jerking under the table in a frenetic motion, and his eyes keep wondering around without getting fixed on anything. The fingers of both of his hands are drumming on the wooden surface. 

“What do you mean, Jensen: pills when you misbehave?”

“I don’t know. It’s… sometimes Eric says I need them because I’m… I’m agitated or after he… after he’s been mad at me and I-“

“He gives you pill to calm you down?”

Jensen nods almost violently. “Not every day but I… I don’t feel good right now and I…”

“Are they prescription pills?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?” Jared can’t help it. He knows he’s slowly but surely losing his calm.

“They… Eric takes them from his office.”

“And you don’t know what they are?”

“N-n-no.”

Jensen seems to realize what he’s really saying. His lower lip starts shaking and tears fall down his cheeks. “I know it doesn’t sound right. When he first took me in he said he’d… take care of me and I was… Jared, I told myself he was a doctor, that he knew what he was doing.”

“You were sixteen, Jensen. He has been doing this since you were sixteen. Drugging you so that you wouldn’t throw fits, so that he could beat you and then calm you down. That’s what it is.”

“I’m… Emotionally unstable he-“ 

“Emotionally unstable doesn’t mean anything! It’s not a medical term, fuck, Jensen. I’ve studied psychology, you know that, right?”

Jensen nods. It looks more like an involuntarily jerk than anything else.

“You are having an anxiety attack, that’s what it is,” Jared explains, keeping his voice low, his tone soothing. “I don’t know what Eric gave you but we have to find a solution that doesn’t imply you getting back with him so that the abuse can go on. Do you get this?”

“I don’t feel good. I think I’m going crazy, Jared. H-huh-help me I don’t feel good.”

Jensen shoves his face between his shaky hands. Jared’s phone rings then and he runs to his bedroom to get it before the voicemail is triggered.

“Hi,” a low and affable voice says.

“Hi.”

“May I speak with Jensen, please?”

That’s only then that Jared recognizes Eric Johnson. The anger explodes out of him like a damn firework, so fast his vision gets covered in dark spots.

“Go fuck yourself, and don’t ever call back.”

“Mr. Padalecki, you don’t understand. Jensen needs special care. He needs to be with me.”

“You are sick, you know that? And how… how do you know my family name?”

“Jensen called you with my phone, you moron. I got the address too. I could go over and pick him up.”

“Yeah, you try it. Let’s see what happens then.”

Jared hangs up, more shaken than he wants to admit to himself. He hears a soft noise behind him and turns back to see Jensen standing in the doorway, holding on to the frame with one hand. His face is even paler than before, his eyes huge.

“He knows where I am,” he whispers.

“It doesn’t change anything.”

“He won’t let me go,” Jensen protests more forcefully. “He said he wouldn’t and -and -and now he knows and-“

Jensen falls on his knees and starts vomiting, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

_How am I gonna do this?_ Jared thinks as he walks toward his friend and kneels down next to him. How the hell am I gonna do this?

::: :::

Jared covers the sleeping form of Jensen with a blanket Genevieve just handled to him. The young man moans in his sleep but doesn’t wake up.

“Jesus, Jared,” Genevieve whispers. 

“Shhh, I don’t want to wake him up.”

“No, let’s not. Come on, I made some coffee.”

Jared follows Genevieve to her kitchen and lets her serve the steaming beverage in two mugs. It’s ten o’clock in the morning and he’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open. He lets himself fall on a chair and rub at his eyes, sighting.

“Called work,” Genevieve informs him.

“Well, that must have not look suspicious at all, you and me calling sick the same day,” Jared snorts through his hands.

“Who cares? Come on, drink,” she says, pushing his coffee in front of him like she’s just served him a glass of whiskey.

Jared obeys. 

It has been the only way to calm Jensen down, taking him here. As soon as he’d learned that his boyfriend knew where he was, there wasn’t a thing Jared could do or say to get him to stop shaking. In the end, he proposed that they “go somewhere safe” which Jensen accepted only if it wasn’t a hospital or a police station. The worst had probably been making their way to the car. Jensen had been wearing a pair of Jared’s sneakers too large for him and kept stumbling over them while casting nervous glances around and practically hiding himself against Jared’s body.

Jared had called Genevieve before they left, telling her only what she should know before accepting to let them crash at her place. When she’d seen the shivering mess that was Jensen, the mix of pity and incredulity on her face had spoken more than everything she could have said.

She’d left them some space while Jared remained on the couch with Jensen until he’d finally calm down –or succumb to exhaustion, more likely. Now she’ll ask for some explanation, Jared knows. He doesn’t wait for it and tells her everything that happened last night while drinking his coffee. Genevieve listens in silence, punctuating Jared’s story with a fair amount of “my god” and “Jesus.”

“Jared,” she says, and by the way she bites on her bottom lip, he knows she’s weighting her words. “He should be in a hospital. You should’ve called the police.”

“He doesn’t want to. Gen, you’ve seen him. If I try to force him into something I’ll lose whatever trust I've managed to gain.”

“But Jay, the bastard is home right now while Jensen is… He looks so scared, so young, god… That man has to be punished for what he did.”

“I know.”

“What if you only take him to see a doctor? If he doesn’t want to press charges then he won’t force him.”

“I suggested it and he told me doctors have a legal obligation to report it if they have a reason to suspect domestic violence.”

“He told you this?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe he’s been in this kind of situation before. Hell, he’s been with the guy for four years.”

“Okay,” Genevieve says slowly, wrapping both hands around her coffee cup. “Okay, so how do we help him?”

Her inclusion in this small sentence goes straight to Jared’s heart. He clears his throat to get himself together. “You don’t have to get mix up in this, Gen. I have no idea what Johnson is capable of. I mean, I think he’s more of the manipulative kind and that he wouldn’t risk exposing himself by trying to physically get Jensen back but what do I know?”

“Don’t be stupid, Jay. You guys are home here. End of the discussion. Still, what is your plan? Because eventually, you’ll have to do something. You get this, right?”

Jared sights deeply and pushes his bangs away from his face. He knows too well what Genevieve means.

“I want to take the week off, stay with him, help him get himself together. He’s… even if he’s not with Johnson the guy is there in his head. Jensen, he doesn’t realize the amount of abuse he’s been submitted too. And I don’t know shit, Gen. I don’t know how they came together in the first place, and why. Jensen needs to be able to have some insight. Right now, he’s exhausted, emotionally speaking as well as physically. “

Genevieve smiles a little.

“What?”

“You do know that you talk like a psychologist. Gosh, Jay, if you ever get the chance you gotta finish college and get your license.”

“You’re wrong. I barely know what I’m doing with him, if any of the decisions I make for him are right. I just… It’s hard, seeing someone suffer that much.”

“I think he wouldn’t have called you. He wouldn’t have if he hadn’t known, somewhere deep down, that you’d be able to help him.”

Jared shrugs. Genevieve’s praise doesn’t quite reach him. Not now, when he’s so worried about Jensen, so scared of not being able to do the right thing.

“I think I’ll go do some grocery shopping,” Genevieve suddenly declares, standing up. “You guys make yourself at home, take whatever you need.”

“Genevieve I can’t thank you enough for what-“

“Alright, alright, I got it the first time,” his friend cuts him off.

She leaves the kitchen with this strange expression on her face, and Jared wonders if he should be worried.

When she’s gone, Jared goes back to the living room to have a look at Jensen. He’s still out of it, snoring lightly through his bruised nose. Satisfied, Jared settles in the kitchen and dials his brother’s phone number.

Jeffrey is still living in San Antonio, the town where they grew up. Jared and him used to be close until their father lost the company. When Jeffrey had learned that Jared was giving up college, they had an argument. Jeffrey accused him of putting some more weight on his father’s shoulders by making him feel guilty about the whole thing, to which Jared had replied that it was easy to say for someone who had time to actually get a degree before the money had ran dry. They’d apologized afterward but things hadn’t been the same since then, and Jared had always resented Jeff a little for getting what he couldn’t have.

All of this seems so stupid right now. Anyway, it’s not Jeff he needs at the moment, but his wife Kerry.

Kerry is a pharmacologist. She’s the one answering on the third ring, voice still gruff with sleep.

“Jared? Jeff’s at work. Is everything alright?”

He doesn’t call often. Judging by the way Kerry is talking, she must have had the graveyard shift at the hospital where she works. 

“I’m sorry to wake you up, Kerry, but I have some question about pills and I was hoping you’d be able to answer me.”

“Jared? Are you sick? Did you-“

“No, I’m asking for a friend who’s into some really deep shit right now. I need… Can this stay between us?”

“Of course, as long as you promise me you’re not making this friend up.”

Jared promises and Kerry believes him. He doesn’t explain a lot, just goes on with the pill’s description he’d get from Jensen just before he fell asleep on the couch. Jared had insisted for Jensen to be as precise as he could. By then, Jensen was barely awake and very pliant. He’d answer willingly.

“The green ones, they have the number 30 on one side and some more numbers on the other?” Kerry asks.

“Yeah. He’s not sure but he thinks there is a six and a five.”

“And they were given to him for the pain, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that one’s easy because I’m seeing this a lot at the hospital. It’s a brand of slow-released morphine, and it’s a high dosage. He would take two at a time?”

“Yes.”

“It’s morphine, Jay. Can’t be anything else than this.”

The other one is trickier because it’s a small white pill and all Jensen could remember is that there was the letter Z and some numbers on one side. Kerry tells Jared she has to check and that she will call back. She does, less than five minutes later. “Diazepam,” she blurts out.

“What?”

“Generic Valium.”

“Okay,” Jared clears his throat, trying to find the right words to go on. “Morphine and Valium. What if… my friend, he doesn’t take them on a daily basis. Sometimes he could go a week without them. Can he still be experiencing some withdrawal?”

“Well, technically, no. I mean: opiates withdrawal is ugly. There is shaking and sweating, confusion, vomiting, diarrhea… His nose would run constantly, his eyes would water. He would be in a state bad enough that he’d need a hospital, quick. And I suppose this isn’t happening because you wouldn’t be asking me all those questions, right?”

“Well, no it… But could he still feel the need to take them?”

“Depends. If he finds himself in a situation where he usually takes the drugs, yes. Still, it should come and go. The need. His habit isn’t regular enough to create a real withdrawal symptom.”

“His life isn’t in danger, then? I mean, if he doesn’t want to go see a doctor, it won’t have any serious consequences?”

“Jared, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?”

“This friend… he’s been living with an abusive asshole, Kerry. And I want to help him.”

Kerry is silent for a long time. Then, Jared can hear her sight. “No, it won’t have serious consequences but it won’t be easy either.” 

“Okay.”

“You should call more often. Jeff misses you.”

“He doesn’t call either.”

“Jesus, you guys sometimes behave like freaking kids. “

“I know.”

Jared hears some noise from the living room and goes to check on Jensen who’s sitting slowly eyes still half closed. “Gotta go, Kerry.”

“Take care of yourself, Jay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Jensen blinks at Jared when he enters the living room. After his hysterical behavior of the morning, he seems to have switch to apathy once again. Jared softly drags him to the dining room and heats some soup. “M’not that hungry,” Jensen murmurs when Jared puts his bowl in front of him.

“I know, but you gotta try to eat a little, alright? You need it.”

Jensen nods slowly. He doesn’t eat much –a few spoonful, but he downs his glass of orange juice and munches on a cracker. Jared considers this as a victory. Now, he thinks, for the less pleasant part.

“I’ll take some days off work to stay with you. Genevieve doesn’t mind us crashing here for the time being.”

Jensen shakes his head slowly, still looking asleep, or even drunk, like nothing can really touch him. “You can’t miss work because of me.”

“Ah, come on. I hate my job, you know that. It isn’t exactly a sacrifice to take a little vacation.”

“Your friend is very nice to have me here.”

“She’s awesome. I told you she was. Okay so now I’m thinking you could take a shower, but hum… before this… I need to take some pictures Jensen. Of your bruises and wounds.”

Something passes in Jensen’s eyes and, for a moment, Jared is sure he’s going to switch back to a more agitated state, but in the end, he lowers his eyes and only asks: “Why?”

“I get that you don’t want to press charge against Eric, but if you ever change your mind, we’ll have those photos. No one has to see them besides you and me, Jensen. It’s just a security.”

“You won’t go to the police behind my back?”

“No. I’m with you all the way.”

“Okay,” Jensen murmurs. 

They make their way to the bathroom and Jensen starts to undress, seemingly indifferent by his nakedness. He’s more solid than the night before, can stand still under the crude light without swaying on his feet. It’s a small amelioration but Jared is still relieved. He makes a quick work of taking pictures of the bruises scattered over Jensen’s body. When he takes the Band-Aids off his shoulder, he’s relieved to see that the wound doesn’t show any sign of infection so far. When he’s done, Jensen has started to shiver lightly. Jared gets the shower going, making sure the water is hot enough.

“You’ll be alright by yourself?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll wait right here, okay? I’m not leaving you alone.”

Jensen tries to smile at him, although it looks more like a grimace.

He doesn’t stay long under the spray and looks on the verge of passing out when he gets out. Jared helps him dry himself, applies a new bandage for the wound on his shoulder and helps him get dressed. 

“M’tired,” Jensen whispers, blushing while he holds onto Jared’s shoulder with both hands.

“I know. Come on, I’ll take you back to the couch. Maybe you can sleep some more.”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen adds, leaning heavily against Jared while they make their way back.

He all but collapses on the couch. Jared sits next to him and Jensen settles closer. He seems to be craving the physical contact so Jared wraps an arm around his shoulder without hesitation. 

Jensen sighs and let his head rest on Jared’s chest. He doesn’t speak but he looks relieved, almost calm. Jared can’t help but run his fingers through Jensen’s still wet bangs.

“The pills you were taking,” he says in a low, reassuring voice. “It’s morphine and Valium. You can do without. I won’t be easy but you can. I’ll be there to help you.”

Jared goes on to explaining how he found out in the first place, making a point of specifying he hasn’t mention Jensen’s name, or any details concerning his situation. Jensen listens scarcely, then nods.

“I shouldn’t have been freaking out on you this morning,” he says, taking Jared’s hand in his. “I’m… sometimes it hits me and it’s like I’m suddenly losing my mind.”

“Hey, shhh… nothing to be sorry for. It’s not your fault.”

They remain like this, Jensen tucked in Jared’s embrace, dozing on and off, until Genevieve gets back.

She irrupts into the living room with a smile so wide it’s almost scary. Her hands are full of bags, none of which look like they contain any groceries.

“Hey you guys. It’s freezing out there, you have no idea.”

Jensen straightens a little but doesn’t leave Jared’s arms. Still, Jared can feel his breath picking up.

“I got some stuff for Jensen,” Genevieve adds dropping the bags and taking off her winter coat.

“What?”

“Well, hum…” Genevieve walks toward them and sits on the coffee table. So far, Jensen and her haven’t exchange a single word. “Jared told me you didn’t have any of your stuff and his clothes are not exactly a fit for you so I thought I could offer you a little something.” She explains in a soft voice.

Jensen blinks at her. A deep blush creeps up his face to the tip of his ears. “You… you shouldn’t have, you don’t even know me-“

He’s getting quickly anxious, Jared can tell. He’s about to intervene when Genevieve speaks again. “Ah, I don’t know you but I love shopping. Come on, you did me a favor. And I gotta say, I’ve got the eye to find fitting clothes for people I barely know. It’s one of my talents so indulge me please.”

Jensen tilts his head, looking at her, like he’s trying to find a flaw in her logic. 

“Hey, you should take the clothes and go with it. It’s true, she’s a shopping addict. You were just an excuse for her to go on a shopping spree.”

Jensen smiles a little and for Genevieve it’s enough. She goes to grab the bag and takes the clothes out of them. There is a pair of jeans, two pairs of sport pants, a couple of t-shirts, a hoodie, socks, underwear and even a pair of boots. She holds them in front of her, biting her lips: “I wasn’t sure about the shoes since it’s the most difficult thing to buy but I saw you with Jared’s sneakers on and I guessed… Maybe two size smaller. Anyway, I can exchange them if they don’t fit.”

Jared’s mouth had dropped open when Genevieve has started to empty the bags and remains that way until he sees her frowning at him. He should say something.

“Nice job, Gen,” he gets out.

“This… this must have cost a lot of money,” Jensen murmurs, but in the same time, there is something else written on his face. Pleasure, awe… stupefaction. He stretches a hand toward the clothes resting on the coffee table but takes it off as quickly, like he’d been burn.

“Aw, come on –I went to this store where my cousin works and I got everything for almost nothing. It’s last year’s fashion,” Genevieve explains quickly. She’s lying through her teeth, Jared can tell. “So? Aren’t you gonna try some of those?” She adds, “Just so that I can see if I still got the eye.”

Jensen nods slowly, still blushing red. He grabs sports pants and a tee, underwear, and pushes Jared’s hand back when he tries to help him. “M’okay. I… I can do this.”

He makes his way to the bathroom slowly but surely, holding the clothes close to his chest like some precious treasure. As soon as Jared hears the door lock, he turns his attention back to Genevieve.

“Jesus, Gen, what-“

“Shhh, he’s gonna hear you."

“This must have cost you a fortune! And you don’t have any cousin working in a retailing store.” Jared whispers, although it’s more like a raspy yell.

“So?” She holds her head high. “I can do whatever the fuck I want with my money, Jay.”

“I’ll pay you back.”

“No you won’t. Listen, Jay, we keep going through life, donating for all those causes that get to us, or just to get rid of the guy making his speech about this animal shelter we don’t want to know about. But Jensen -Jensen is real, he’s there and he’s your friend. This is something I can do for him. I want to do this for him.”

Without adding another word, Jared takes Genevieve in his arms and hugs her tightly, kissing the top of her head. She hugs back and then fights for her freedom. “You’re crushing me, you dork,” she giggles into her chest.

“Sorry.” Jared says, swallowing back his tears. 

“Wait for the other surprise,” she tells him.

“What did you do?”

“Spoke to my cousin.”

“Oh, the imaginary one?”

“Shut up. My cousin Kathy. You know her.”

Genevieve’s family is big. She has cousins, aunts and uncles all over New England but yes, Jared knows Kathie. Genevieve and her are really close.

“What about Kathie?”

“Frank and her, they have this small cabin out of town, about an hour away from here, in Greeley Pond. And I was thinking that… Don’t think I don’t want you here, okay? I totally want you guys here, but if what Jensen needs is some quietness, and to spend some time resting, thinking about all that happened, it would be a nice place. And maybe, maybe he would feel more secure, being away from Eric and…”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Kathie won’t be back there until Christmas and it’s got everything you guys would need, except maybe for food. And there are only three other cabins nearby but those are ever only occupied in the summer.”

“Gen. Wow. It’s…”

It’s a great idea. It’s what Jensen needs –hell, it’s what Jared needs too. Spending a week out there in the woods, getting Jensen to open himself up, to realize how horrible Eric has been to him, how important it is to press charges against him. 

“And if it can reassure him, I only told Kathie it was for a friend and that… I couldn’t say more. She said that if I trusted this friend, she trusted him too.”

“It would be perfect, babe. You’re a god damn genius.”

“I know I am,” Genevieve winks at him, even if the compliment really does seem to please her.

“I huh… They fit. It’s… thank you.”

They both turn their head, hearing Jensen’s uncertain voice. The clothes do fit, even if the pants bunch a little at the feet.

“You haven’t lost it, Gen,” Jared declares.

And then, something happens that makes his chest expand, that gets him close to tears all over again.

Jensen looks at him and smiles wide enough to have the corners of his eyes crinkling.  
\--- ---  
 _Author’s note: I just wanted to specify that it is possible for a pharmacist to identify pills that easily with their description. When I worked as a nurse, there was more than a hundred pills I learned to identify that way, just by working so a pharmacist is capable of the same. If not, they have this huge book called a compendium that lists all the drugs on the market with photos of what they look like._  
<3


	6. Chapter 6

Jared talks a lot. It isn’t a surprise –Jensen’s been listening to him for over three months but now it’s different. It feels like it doesn’t hurt to just listen and enjoy: no twisted sense of wrongness closes his throat like it did before, when he knew he didn’t have the right to make friend.

The car is going fast on the desert road. After the first ten minutes, Jensen is drenched in sweat, wearing his brand new hoodie and one of Jared’s old winter coat over it. He fights a little to take if off without unfastening his seatbelt, feeling Jared’s gaze on him.

“I was hot,” he says and then winces because yeah, contorting his bruised body wasn’t the idea of the year.

“Tylenol isn’t that effective, huh?”

“S’okay.”

But it’s not. Jensen has always been lulled by the movement of a car, feeling soothed and comfortably passive. Tonight, though, it doesn’t sooth any of the turmoil raging into his mind. He needs the pills, whatever they are, Valium or Morphine. His whole body thrums with pulsating pain and the still unbelievable, surreal thought of what he did. As hard as Jensen tries to let go, not to feel anything anymore, it doesn’t work.

The pills take everything away. The pills… The pills are back home, with Eric.

The only thing keeping Jensen from completely losing it is his fear of his boyfriend –of his ex, maybe- retaliation. 

Home with Eric isn’t home anymore. A very quiet voice in the back of Jensen’s mind keeps pleading for going back, because even though Eric can hurt him so much, Jensen’s relationship with him is all he knows. It’s familiar, it’s what he understands about life. 

_Somewhere along the way you gave up, Jensen. You just stopped fighting and trying and just went with everything Eric wanted._

And now there is no going back. Jensen knows. His boyfriend (ex? Is it wrong to think “ex”? ) would kill him.

What have I done? He keeps thinking, and can’t help it. It’s like a loop in his head.

_You saved yourself._

Then why can’t he be at peace?

Because he said he’d never let you go.

It doesn’t make sense. Eric can’t know where he is, but whenever Jared is out of sight, Jensen feels like he’s losing the only thing that keeps him grounded in the here and now. Whatever Jensen may think, Jared seems to believe he took the right decision. Jared sees Eric as the bad guy and doesn’t acknowledge Jensen’s own flaws. It seems so simple through his friend’s eyes.

“Do you like music? Want me to turn the radio on?”

“I…”

He wasn’t listening, damn it. Why can’t he just listen?

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I mean… We’re okay, right? Am I talking too much? I bet I am.”

“No you’re not. It…”

_Fills the empty spaces in my head._ Where does that come from? But hasn’t it been like this since the beginning? Jensen was dragged to Jared despite the danger of making a friend because Jared took so much space, literally as well as figuratively; it gave Jensen the impression to be full, to be complete, like he could just dissolve in the warm shadow of Jared and feel safe, protected.

“I don’t know what I’m saying. Sorry,” Jensen finally blurts out.

“You’re tired. We both are.”

Jared has had so many things to do so that they could leave as soon as possible. The worst has probably been when he’d had to go back to his apartment to pack stuff and then stop for grocery shopping. Jensen understood on a purely intellectual level that Jared would be alright, that imagining Eric hiding in the shadows was a little farfetched -even more: thinking that he might follow Jared’s car to Genevieve’s apartment. Still, Jensen just couldn’t get himself to calm down and had been a shivering crying mess comforted by a woman he barely knew but that seemed to love him so much. He’d fallen asleep again when Jared had been back, his fish bowl between its hands, short of breath and assuring him that he hadn’t seen Eric anywhere.

It’s hard to believe that, twenty four hours earlier, Jensen was barely conscious while Eric made love to (raped) him after having beaten him up so bad Jensen had started to believe that this… this would the time where Eric wouldn’t be able to get his control back and kill him.

“… According to the GPS we’re only twenty minutes from Greeley Pond.”

“Good,” Jensen says.

::: :::

The cabin is more like a small two stories wooden house, looking clean and standing proud through dark pines covered in frosted snow. It will be cold inside for a while even if Kathie keeps the electric heat running when they aren’t there in the winter. There is supposed to be a fireplace, though. Jared’s plan is to settle Jensen in front of it and to get everything inside and ready right after.

Jensen has trouble staying up right. He looks as bad as the night before, even if the swelling on his face has started to subside. He’s in bad shape, seems hollow and haunted, so frail in Jared’s winter coat.

The cabin is tidy and looks comfortable enough. Jared spots the large fireplace and makes Jensen sit on the couch nearby, immediately getting the fire going. He still remembers camping trips with his father and his brother, listening avidly to everything Gerry would teach him. As it turned out, neither Jared nor Jeff had developed a taste for the outdoors when they got in their teens. It must have disappointed their father so much, even if he never said anything.

Jared feels like a crappy son, suddenly. He misses his dad.

He finds himself telling all of this to Jensen while the small flames grow in the fireplace. Jensen nods, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.

“I miss my mom,” he whispers, which makes Jared gasps discreetly because Jensen had never mentioned her before.

“Where is she?” Jared asks as softly as he can.

“Don’t know. I haven’t seen her since I was a kid.”

It seems almost like taking advantage of him to keep on asking questions while Jensen struggles to stay awake and not to freeze in place. Jared to turn up the electric heat and to get the stuff inside. They have all week, after all.

It doesn’t take long to get everything ready. Jared follows the instructions Kathie had given Genevieve: lower the temperature of the fridge, get the water going to be sure it isn’t frozen. Then, he explores a little. The rooms are upstairs. There are two of them: One with twin beds bunks, probably for the kids, and the other with a king size bed. Jared wonders if he’d fit in one of the bunks because he’s reluctant to have Jensen sleep on his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to force Jensen to share a bed with him, even in the most platonic way, even if that’s what the young man had asked the previous night.

Jared finally drops the bags in the master bedroom and goes back downstairs. It’s seven o’clock in the evening and Jensen hasn’t eaten anything since the few mouthfuls of soup he had at Genevieve’s. 

It’s already getting warmer. Jensen is sleeping, half sitting, half lying on the couch, tucked into Jared’s coat. Jared leaves him to be. He seems warm and almost comfortable.

Jared boils spaghettis and heat Bolognese sauce in the silence of the cabin, smiling to himself as he remembers his conversation with his superior earlier in the afternoon, when he had called to say he needed the week off. Patrick wasn’t happy. He’d start yelling that unless one of Jared’s immediate family members had died, he would drag his ass to work the next morning. They’re already short on employees at the customer’s service and Patrick hadn’t find it especially funny that Jared and Genevieve had called sick the same day. “It’s personal,” Jared had said. “I wouldn’t ask for it if I didn’t need it.” 

“Fuck your personal stuff, Padalecki. If you’re not there tomorrow, you might as well find another fucking job!”

_Very well_ , Jared had said before hanging up. He should have been upset but he doubted Patrick had really been serious. His boss was known for his bad, impulsive temper. Even then, the idea of finding himself without a job, instead of bothering Jared, is somewhat stimulating. 

The dinner is almost ready when Jensen stumbles in the kitchen, cheeks red from being exposed to the fire, eyes glassy with confusion. He’s taken the coat off. “Sorry I fell asleep once again.” He whispers, voice a bit scratchy.

“It’s okay. Dinner’s ready. How do you feel? Need some Advil for the pain?”

“Yeah. You bring some?”

“F’course. Wait here.”

When Jared comes back with the pills, he’s surprised to see Jensen serving two plates of Bolognese spaghettis with assured gestures: his portion his way to small and Jared’s way too generous but this is the first spontaneous “normal” behavior Jensen displays since the previous night and Jared is more relieved than he can tell.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Jensen asks, sitting himself while avoiding Jared’s eyes. “You… After what you did for me…”

He shrugs and swallows the Advil quickly.

“Come on, we’re friends. That’s what friends are for.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes. Jensen’s appetite seems to be better. He looks around himself pensively while eating until Jared just can’t stand the silence anymore. 

“It’s a nice cabin, right?”

“Yes, it is. It really is. You huh… It’s the first time in four years I’ve left Augusta.”

“You… You never went away? For anything? Eric never took you… I don’t know, in vacation?”

Jared curses himself, wishing to swallows his words back. He wants Jensen to relax and he’s the one bringing back the Eric in the conversation.

“He never takes vacation. He’s a general surgeon. Very busy.”

“But do you know his family, did he ever-“

“No!” Jensen cuts harshly, putting his fork down. “Geez, I’m s-s-sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing here I can’t… I need my pills, Jared, I need not to feel anything.”

Jared feels his heart clenching at the sight. Jensen is shaking again, covering his face with his hands. 

“Jensen. Hey, Jensen. What you’re doing here is only spending some time with a friend so that you can think about the next step in your life, okay?”  
Jesus, since when Jared has become a motivational speaker?

“I can’t do this,” Jensen cries. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t, Jared, I don’t know why I called you I w-whu-was out of my mind.”

Jensen stands up so fast his chair flips back and falls on the floor. Startled by the noise, the young man flinches and begins to walk back and forth near the table, back and forth, pressing his hands together.

“Jensen.”

“Stop!” Jensen screams. “Stop being so nice, stop making me feel like… like I’m important to you. And –and- I wouldn’t have called, wouldn’t have called if I had known but you… YOU!”

Jensen points a shaking finger at Jared who’s getting up too, still a little baffled at how this quiet dinner has suddenly become the source of another one of Jensen’s break down.

“What? Are you mad at me? God, Jensen, you can say it if-“

“N-n-nhu-NO! I’m not… WHY did you become my friend? Before you I was okay. I… I just listened to what he said and tried to be good to him and most of the time I was okay with it. Because I’m messed up, Jared! My father threw me out when I was sixteen and he- He must have had good reasons, right? And –and Eric. He can lose his temper sometimes but he didn’t reject me. He took care of me because I’m irresponsible and I’m unstable and-

“Jensen, damn it!” Jared says loud enough to startle him. 

He can help it, he’s so angry it burst out of him suddenly, and everything he bottled up since he went to get Jensen can’t be contained anymore. He’s mad at Eric Johnson, wants to go back there and beat him up until he cries for mercy. He’s mad at Jensen’s father. He’s even mad at his mother whom he doesn’t know nothing about.

He’s mad at Jensen. For not seeing the reality as it is.

_Come on, man, get a hold of yourself. It’s not his fault._

But Jared is already taking Jensen’s hand and dragging him in the bathroom. Jensen doesn’t fight, just whimpers and keep his head down. 

Jared puts him in front of the mirror and stands behind him. “Look, Jensen.”

“Stop, let me go,” Jensen rasps.

Jared has released his hand as soon as they were positioned. “I’m not holding you. You can leave the bathroom if you want.”

Jensen shivers but doesn’t move. He’s still shaking badly, arms wrapped around himself to protect his already broken body. 

“Look at yourself, please,” Jared says, feeling the anger leaving him as suddenly as it came.

Jensen lifts his head slowly. At first, he keeps his eyes lowered down, like he can’t even stand his own reflection. Jared asks once more and Jensen’s long eyelashes flutter before he finally obeys. 

“There. See. This, this is what Eric did to you.”

“Don’t do this, Jared,” Jensen whispers, looking at him through the mirror.

“You are scared out of your mind, Jensen. You didn’t want me to go back to my apartment because you feared Eric would be there waiting for me. This is the man you’re still defending. He almost broke your nose. He bit you. He crushed your wrist so hard his freaking fingerprints are there on the skin.”

“Jared,” Jensen protests feebly.

“Now look at yourself and try to convince me that you really want to go back living with him.”

New tears slide down Jensen’s cheeks. He takes a long shuddering breath and leans back against Jared’s chest.

“I know,” he says. “It’s not rational. I don’t want to go back. I’m a freaking mess, Jared.”

“This isn’t about you, Jense. It’s about a guy that’s been controlling you in every possible way for the past four years. You are the victim here. And somewhere, deep down, you know that. You knew and tried to find some help before, calling a suicide help center. You became my friend even though you knew Eric wouldn’t take it well. You called me last night. You wanted someone to help you.”

“It’s too hard,” Jensen protest without energy. “What am I gonna do, Jared?”

“I said it before: give yourself a little time. All of this is overwhelming, for me as well, you know? We’re here for now. You’re safe. You’re angry because you know it doesn’t make sense wanting to go back to Eric. Stop being angry at yourself. Be angry at him.”

Jensen snorts in derision. He’s still breathing way too fast and his eyes have this wounded animal shadow in them but the worst of the anxiety attack is over, Jared can tell. 

“I ruined dinner,” Jensen whispers.

Jared barks out a laugh –can’t help himself. “No you didn’t. I bought desert. Let’s stuff ourselves with sugar, what do you say? ”

“Okay,” Jensen nods, sniffing. 

“Okay.”

::: :::

Jensen is quiet after this, but it doesn’t surprise Jared. He’s starting to see a pattern in his friend’s behavior: his anxiety rises and recedes like a wave. It leaves him exhausted and passive but at least he’s calm. The peaks don’t seem to last for long. If Jared can be there and help when they happen, maybe, just maybe, Jensen will be able to get back some control over the days to come.

Jensen insists to help with the dishes and to go get some woods in the shed for the fireplace. He seems to need the distraction and Jared gives him simple tasks to get his mind out of the heaviness of his situation. It’s only eight thirty when Jared proposes that they go to bed. Jensen keeps yawning. His eyelids are heavy, his eyes glassy. It’s more than time to get some rest.

They get ready quickly. Jared takes care of the wound of Jensen’s shoulder and offers him some Tylenol. Kerry once told him that sometimes, alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen gives a better control over the pain. Of course, it seems almost ridiculous considering that Jensen was giving high dosage of morphine before but really, Jared will do everything he can to soothes his friend in any way possible.

Jared makes sure both doors and the windows are locked downstairs –and that Jensen is aware of it. Then, when they get to the master bedroom, he explains that they could as well sleep in the other room, each on a bunk bed.

“You won’t fit,” Jensen says, a small smile on his still swollen lips. “Or you’re going to break it. Fall on me during the night with the mattress and frame.”

“I’m not that-“

“Yeah, you totally are.”

“Okay,” Jared smiles too, can’t help it, hearing the soft but unmistakable playful tone of Jensen. “Listen, Jense. I kind of want to offer you to sleep with me in this bed because that’s what we did last night and you needed it. But I don’t want you to be uneasy with it or… think that I would in any way take advantage of you.”

“Don’t think I can’t sleep alone,” Jensen answers simply. “Are you uneasy about it?”

“No.”

Jared makes sure the hallway light stays open and splits the blankets so that Jensen and him can each have their own. He lies down first, careful to stay on his side of the bed. Jensen does the same. Here they are, on their back ,next to each other without moving, without touching. After a while, Jensen sights deeply and fumbles to find Jared’s hand under the covers. Jared presses back softly.

“I really like it here,” Jensen whispers. “It’s quiet. It… seems so far away from everything.”

“It is quiet. I like it too.”

“Jared?”

“What?”

“You’re… you’re my f-fhu-friend, right?”

“You haven’t been listening the first hundred times I told you? I am your friend.”

“Because I… S’just hard for me to believe it.”

Jared doesn’t answer back. Jensen is biting his lower lip, visibly thinking about adding something and Jared doesn’t want to be in the way.

“And I don’t… I don’t say anything about myself because I’m ashamed. I huh… What you did for me, it… It counts, it’s important to me. You w-whu-wanna know how I ended up with Eric in the first place?”

“Only if you feel like telling me.”

Jensen huffs then turns on his side to look at Jared. He doesn’t let go of his hand. “T’was true when I said I don’t give anything back. And this, what I’m going to tell you, it’s something, okay? You deserve to know how messed up I am. It’s unfair for you to believe I’m just a victim.”

_You are, god damn it. Eric spent four years convincing you that you were some kind of monster but he was the monstrous one._

Jared doesn’t say any of this, not if he wants Jensen to open up to him. 

“I’m listening,” he answers instead, turning on his side too, facing Jensen.

“So huh… Yeah. It was just me and my dad at home. My mom left when I was five, or six –I don’t really know, dad didn’t want me to talk about her. He was… I mean, he was a good father, took care of me. He was just quiet. Anyway, my best friend Chris was living next door and although he was a little older than me we were always together. I figured out I was gay soon enough, maybe around thirteen. Chris… I don’t know. I’ve seen him with girls but-  
Jensen stops to clear his throat. It’s the more Jared has heard him saying in one shot, and apparently he’s not done.

“That afternoon, when I was sixteen, we started messing around in my room. Chris and me. I don’t know how it shifted to something else but we… you know, started touching each other. And of course that’s when my dad comes in early from work and when he saw us, he got madder than I've ever saw him.”

“That’s why he threw you out?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah he… said to pack my things, that it wasn’t my home anymore. Called me a fag, that kind of things. I huh… I begged him but he wouldn’t listen. I think there was already something going on because he said that he knew this would happen, that he couldn’t stand to look at me anymore.”

“What a fucking moron.”

Jensen shrugs. “In the end, he packed my stuff in this garbage bag and I left. Chris was waiting for me. He said… He said he had some stuff to do but that he would leave with me. I couldn’t stay right in front of my dad’s house so I went somewhere in town to wait for him, under an old bridge where we would hang up sometimes.”

“What happened then?”

Jensen swallows loudly. Jared is aware of the effort he makes to go through with the story. “He huh… never came. Was supposed to be there in the evening and he wasn’t. I waited until I fell asleep and come morning, he was still not there. I found a pay phone –didn’t have a cell, my dad didn’t want me to. Chris’ mom answered and she told me Chris didn’t want to speak with me. She told me to get lost.”

“Jense, maybe she wasn’t saying the truth, you get this, right? Maybe Chris…”

“Doesn’t change anything,” Jensen sobs softly. “I waited another day and then a cop came by and told me I was loitering and I ran. Never went back. My dad had been pretty clear and the only other family member I knew was an aunt –his sister, living in Missouri. And I figured… If my dad told her that I was a freaking fagot and what he did, she wouldn’t want me either. There was nowhere else to go.”

“Must have been scary.”

Jensen presses Jared’s hand a little harder. “I bought a bus ticket. Didn’t know what else to do. At least, I’d be warm in a bus. Maybe I’d think of something. I was stupid, I couldn’t think of any other solution, you know?”

“You were young.”

“Arrived here. Didn’t have any more money for the bus. It was October and getting cold and huh… I tried to find a job but who’s going to hire someone who can’t even give an address and who carries his stuff in a freaking garbage bag. For a couple of weeks I stayed downtown and tried to sleep where I could, to get my head around the fact that I was, basically, homeless. And then one night… one night it was freaking freezing and I was walking on the side of the road and fuck, I was hungry –hadn’t eaten in two days. So this car slows down and the window lowers and there is this guy –in his forties, maybe, and –and…”

Jensen stops abruptly and covers his mouth with the back of his hand. His chest is shaking convulsively, like he’s trying to hold back a sob. Jared is almost certain of what will come next and thinks maybe Jensen has done enough for one night. He spoke for a long time, without even stuttering.

“I don’t want to tell you,” Jensen murmurs behind his hand. “I can’t.”

“S’okay. I’m in no hurry. That was a big chunk of your life you just let out.”

“Never talked about it, not once, in four years.”

“What happened to you was horrible, Jensen.”

Jensen shrugs then tries to stifle a yawn. “I don’t know. My dad, he was a nice man, Jared. He wouldn’t have-“  
Jared gets closer to Jensen until he can wrap his arm around his shoulders. “You were a kid. You were his fucking responsibility. Being gay isn’t a crime, you know that.”

“Yeah,” Jensen trails out, settling on his back with his head resting in the crook of Jared’s shoulder. “But dad, he said some other things, so maybe…”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Wait until you know the rest, you won’t be so eager to take my defense.”

Jared lets it go for the time being. Jensen is losing his battle against sleep. The bed is comfortable and warm. It feels good, having Jensen so close to him, and not in a sexual way. Jared still feels the same intense love for him –of course he does. If anything, it has only gotten more intense in the last twenty four hours- but right now he’s never been less interested in sex. 

Jensen needs him, not in that way, maybe not ever, but somewhere along the lines, Jared has found out he’s okay with it.

“Sleep,” he whispers. “I’m here.”

Jensen closes his eyes and sleeps.


	7. Chapter 7

The flames are still weak, undulating dangerously between the dry logs, but Jensen doesn’t care. He lit up the fire by himself and here he is, drinking a cup of coffee in front of it. He’s lulled by the noise of the violent wind outside, howling through the trees while the sun is rising. 

Jensen feels… calm. He breathes carefully through his nose and takes another sip of coffee. He doesn’t hurt that much right now –physically anyway and it’s a good feeling.

He had woken up early and, not wanting to disturb Jared’s sleep, he had tip-toed his way downstairs and waited. Because that’s how he was used to behave with Eric. He had to wait silently for Eric to wake up before he had the permission to make some coffee and start cooking breakfast.

When Jensen had realized he didn’t have to do the same with Jared, he’d been in the kitchen and started the coffee maker, filled with euphoria and an almost dizzying impression of liberty. He could do whatever he wanted. 

The fire had come second and Jensen had worked hard to reanimate the few embers that were still burning. 

Now, Jensen is not waiting for anyone. He just is, and this is a feeling he’d almost forgot.

He slept well, even with the confused dreams that had woken him up a couple of times –he doesn’t remember them, hasn’t try to do so.

His mind wanders. He can’t help but think about Eric, even if he doesn’t want to. Eric was everything in his life and now, as fucked up as Jensen can be, he has to figure out how to live on his own.

He brushes the thought of pressing charges far away in his head because the first time he did, no one believed him. Not after Eric had talked to the cops. And when his boyfriend had took him back home, hell had broken loose. That time, Jensen had needed a cast on his left arm. Eric hadn’t taken him to the hospital. He brought some material back and did it himself.

_Now it’s different. Now you’re older, and Jared has pictures, and you’re not alone. It could be different._

“Shut up, Chris,” Jensen mumbles in his coffee mug.

“What?”

Jared’s voice is gruff with sleep, his hair is an impressive mess and he’s stretching himself lazily, right behind the couch. 

Jensen smiles. He has a coffee and has started a fire and Jared doesn’t care.

::: :::

Jared hangs up with Genevieve before she has to punch at work. She’s relieved that Jensen and him are doing good. No, she hadn’t seen any blond man hanging outside her apartment building. And yes, Fuzzy Peach the Fourth is still alive. All in all, everything seems good.

“I can make an omelette,” Jensen says while fussing in the fridge behind the opened door.

“You don’t have to cook,” Jared protests just as his stomach gives a loud rumble.

“I like to cook. Do you like omelette?”

“I practically like everything that's edible.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Can I help?”

“No, I got it.”

Jared sits at the table and shivers when another gust of wind whistles against the window. It must be freezing outside. He drinks a big mouthful of coffee to shake off the feeling and observes Jensen taking the ingredients out of the fridge and going through the drawers and cupboards to find what he needs. He seems at ease, confident –and this is a side of Jensen Jared has only ever seen when he had been working the barista at the café.

“You like to cook?”

“Yeah,” Jensen answers distractingly, already busy chopping a red pepper.

“Where did you learn?”

“I…” Jensen hesitates for a second, then goes on with his chopping as quick as a professional chef. “Eric made me learn. When I first moved in with him, he said… that this I could do for him, in exchange of, you know, having me live with him. There were these cooking shows he made me watch and a whole lot of books he bought. Before he allowed me… I mean, before I started working I was often bored and I like it, cooking. It… you don’t think so much when you cook.”

“Do you have a specialty?”

Jensen turns his head to smile at him, a faint red color tinting his cheeks. “Crown of lamb in a salted crust. I huh… made it myself.”

“You invented a recipe?” Jared, who can barely cook pastas with canned tomato sauce, doesn’t try to hide his admiration.

“Hum… Yeah. I…” Jensen shrugs, scratching the back of his head. “You like cheese, right?”

“Hell yeah. The-“

“Stronger the better,” Jensen completes.

“I told you that?”

“You told me lots of things. Remember? I’m the shy uneasy guy from the coffee. You filled all the silences.”

“You are in a good mood this morning.” Jared remarks.

This is so different from the last two days. Jared has this warm feeling running through his veins, soothing the incertitude and indignation that were eating him alive. He stands up and joins Jensen in the kitchen.

“Can I help now?”

“Yeah, you can grate the cheese. So you’ll decide when it’s enough.”

“It’s a dangerous thing to let me decide when cheese is enough because the answer might be: never.”

“I’ll deal,” Jensen smiles.

Jared can’t help but expressing how delicious the omelette is once every other bite. Jensen blushes and eats slowly, and as the breakfast comes to an end, he has a thoughtful, almost confused expression on his face. 

“You know,” he says, putting his fork down. “Eric never said anything like this to me.”

“What?”

“That what I cooked was delicious or incredible, and all the nice things you just said.”

“I said : to die for, too,” Jared reminds him, shoving his last piece of toast in his mouth.

“I never stopped an asked myself if maybe, maybe he could’ve said more than: _it’s good_ without even looking at me. Most of the time it would be: you put too much salt or: the meat is a little overdone. I had this thing where I would watch him take his first bite and by the face he would make, I’d know if he really liked it, and I… I was satisfied with it.”

“Yeah well, I think we’ve already established how exactly an asshole Eric is.”

Jensen looks like he hasn’t heard. He seems far away, lost in his own thought. “It was stupid of me. It should have bothered me. It never did. I… just went with it.”

He doesn’t say much until they’re finished with breakfast, despite Jared’s attempt to keep it in a good mood. It’s gone.

As the day passes slowly, Jared realizes Jensen is in an entirely different mood: not apathetic, or agitated. He seems moody and angry. Once he’s showered and dressed, he settles back on the couch and watches the flames in silence. Each time Jared tries to make conversation, he snaps impatiently with a few words, then reports his attention back on the fireplace.

Not knowing what to do or how to react, Jared finally sits in an old rocking chair near Jensen and tries to read a used science fiction book he found in a small bookshelf. The cover is one of those strange seventies era illustrations with a half-naked woman and a Conan the barbarian-like hero fighting tentacles. Jared doesn’t understand a word he’s reading about interplanetary police and Venusian plotting, being too preoccupied to concentrate. When noon comes, he claps his hand together, making Jensen jump. 

“Wanna get some lunch?”

“Not hungry,” Jensen trails off without looking at him.

Jared puts his book down and joins him on the couch. “Hey, come on, you wanna talk to me?”

Jensen shrugs.

“You’re worrying me, man. I… Is it something I said or?”

This gets him a sarcastic laugh.

“No. M’just… Mad at myself, I guess. Even if you say I’m not supposed to. I don’t…. It doesn’t hurt too much today. The bruises and… you know.”

“It’s a good thing, right?”

“…Yeah.”

Jensen shakes his head softly and shifts on the couch until their bodies are touching. “What is wrong with me, Jay? I… this morning I thought about the cooking thing, the fact that Eric never complimented me and… Jesus, I got so mad at him. But in the same time, I couldn’t help but think that he didn’t have to, that I was lucky enough to have him. He was paying the food. He made efforts for me and-“

Jensen stops when Jared’s jaw clenches and looks at him in the eyes, very serious. “This,” he add. “Your face’s expression shifts every time I mention Eric. It’s so drastic. I can see how much hate you have for him.”

He stretches a hesitating hand and draws the outlines of Jared’s jaw, then the frown on his eyebrows, with a light touch. Jared doesn’t move. The contact sends shivers through all his body. He wishes it’d never stop.

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Jensen whispers in an almost inaudible voice. “I mean, I’m used to define myself in regard of Eric. I can’t hate him. He… I can’t hate him, what is wrong with me Jared?”

Jared is about to answer when Jensen cuts him out. “I whored myself.”

“What?”

Jensen blushes violently and lowers his head. “This guy I was telling you about, who stopped his car on the road to talk to me, he thought I was a whore.”

“And then what?”

“And then… I didn’t really understand what was going on. He was in town for work and had this very expensive hotel suite. He ordered me something to eat and he let me use the freaking bath and I was so goddamn relieved and… When he stared touching me, afterward, I finally got it. Jesus, I was stupid. But I thought: hey, food, warmth, a place to sleep, stop being a pussy and just let him fuck you.” 

“Oh. Jen.”

“He wasn’t a bad man. I kind of enjoyed it. Afterward, he told me I could stay with him until he left in a couple of days and he offered me six fucking hundred dollars. I said yes.”

Jared can feel the shame irradiate from Jensen’s body like a poisonous aura. He hates it, wraps his long arm around the younger man’s shoulders and murmurs. “You did what you had to do. To survive.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jensen shrugs, a tremor in his voice. “I never thought I had a choice. Just went with it. The second day, we had Champaign and I got drunk. I don’t remember much… I was, everything was kind of phased out and huh… We took some Speed. I never did it before, just smoked a little marijuana sometimes with Chris. Anyway, I started feeling ill and then I lost it. I kind of remember being huh… dumped on a street and it must have happened because that’s where I was when a cop found me and called an ambulance.”

“Jesus, Jensen,” Jared whispers. “That’s horrible.”

“Woke up on a gurney at the E.R, plugged on machines and stuff. That’s… there was a nurse and she told me to stay calm, that the doctor would come and see me.”

“Eric.”

“Yeah.” 

“Isn’t he a surgeon?”

“Yes, he is. That’s why he always says we are… we were meant to be.”

Jensen stands up and puts another log in the fire. He stays there, shivering, his back to Jared. “They were short on doctors at the hospital and since he’d done a couple of years as a resident in traumatology before choosing surgery, they asked him. He told me I had had an overdose. Can you freaking believe it? First time I take something, I overdose. Anyway, he started asking questions and there I am, spilling out to him everything that happened to me since my father threw me out and bawling like a baby.”

Jared tenses, not sure he wants to hear the rest. Not that he has anything to reproach to Jensen, but it’s evident to guess how vulnerable he’d been at the time. Thinking of the way Johnson most certainly used this vulnerability to gain control makes Jared’s stomach churn. He tries to compose himself, though, if only for Jensen’s sake. The young man needs to get this out. He’s confused, angry and lost, needs Jared to hear what he has to say.

“… social services would be on my back because he would have to call them, since I was only sixteen. This… horrified me. I couldn’t stand the thought of having my father being called only to see the disgust all over his face when he’d known what I had done. And Eric… Eric told me that maybe he had a solution, maybe he could make the paper work disappear and offer me a room at his house instead. He said I could get back on my feet, there. He was living alone and he wanted to help. I said yes, of course I said yes.”

Jensen is shaken by a nervous laughter. He wraps his arm around himself. “Telling you this, I feel so, so stupid,” he says more slowly. “What kind of an idiot was I to follow a guy I didn’t know to his hotel room and then just throw myself at the next one who offered to care for me. S’like… I just let everything happen.”

Jensen turns back to Jared then. He’s crying silently but remains calm, more or less. He hasn’t had a panic attack since yesterday, Jared realizes. It’s a good thing. He wants it to continue, so he stands up and take Jensen in his arms. “You were young and scared,” he murmurs into his hear. “You were still under the shock of having been rejected by your own father, Jensen. You’re not to blame, okay? Trust me, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything, but he hugs Jared back.

“Come, let’s get something to eat,” Jared coaxes him.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

This time, Jensen doesn’t have the energy to cook, but he does eat his bowl of mac and cheese and even takes a yogurt for desert. After lunch, he asks Jared if he can take a nap and settles himself with a pillow and a blanket on the couch. It doesn’t take long before he’s out for the count. No panic attack, no mention of his meds.

Today is different, Jared thinks, still trying to read his science fiction paperback. Jensen is different. It’s good. He tries to put himself back together, even if the pieces are scattered and don’t quite fit together. It’s only the beginning of a beginning. Jared isn’t naïve enough to think Jensen is going to suddenly feel better and ready to go on with his life, pressing charges against Eric and moving on. 

Jared remembers from his psychopathology class how hard it is for someone who’s been abused and controlled to free himself from it all. An abuser will use every single flaw and character traits of someone until he can easily manipulate him, psychologically, like some mind puppet master. They know, only by observing someone for a few minutes, who will easily fall under their influence and who will not. The human mind is twisted this way.

A week away hiding in a cabin in the middle of the wood is far from what Jensen needs. He needs to see a psychologist, needs to have a circle of friends he can rely on, needs to realize that he is a person, a whole, independent human being who can be without having someone else make every decision for him.

Still, it’s a start.

Jensen is still sleeping when Genevieve calls on her way back from work. She has some bad news. Someone called the customer service and asked to talk to Jared Padalecki, insisting to know where he was. She wasn’t the one who took the call but Nora, the receptionist, said that the guy was weird, kept asking questions and wouldn’t let go. Genevieve is practically certain it’s Johnson. They don’t have to worry, nobody knows where Jared and Jensen are except her, she reassures Jared. 

“Be careful,” he tells her, unable to hide his worries.

“He doesn’t even know we’re friends, Jay. I haven’t seen him.”

“You don’t know what he looks like.”

“You described him well enough. Come on, go take care of your friend and don’t worry about me.”

Jared tries to listen to her and, even though the possibility of Johnson finding the link between Genevieve and him, then trying to get her to talk seems so farfetched only a Hollywood movie would pull it off, he can’t shake the feeling of uneasiness that invades him.

What really bothers him is the fact that Johnson is actively looking for Jensen. What will they do once the week is over, if Jensen is still determined not to go to the police?

::: :::

Jared proposes a walk that evening. It’s still cold, but the wind has died down and it’s snowing. There is a trail that goes around the pound where the snowflakes land and melt in the dark waters. It’s beautiful.

Jensen has trouble getting warm and his legs ache. Still, he goes on, tucked in Jared’s winter coat. Jared has taken his hand as soon as they stepped out and it’s comforting, soothing even. Jensen lets him take the lead and just appreciate the scenery, the quietness.

“You’re okay?” Jared asks for the third time in less than ten minutes.

“Yeah.”

“You’re quiet.”

“But I’m okay.”

Is Jensen okay? He doesn’t think so –if he’s honest with himself, he won’t be okay, for a long time.

Honest with himself. How long has it been since he gave up thinking altogether, even more thinking about him. Sometimes, even his own name seems alien to him. The only honesty he ever got lately had been the annoying voice in his head –Chris’ voice- telling him some facts he’d always tried to ignore.

Like right now.

Jared, taking care of him. 

Jared is different.

_Yeah, just like you thought Eric was different from the guy who fucked you and gave you enough speed to almost kill you._

Shut up, Chris.

_Okay, you’re right, Jared is different. But that’s not what’s wrong, is it? You are the problem. First, the hotel guy, then Eric, then Jared –the first person interested in you enough to endure your uneasiness, to keep going and try to be your friend even when you couldn’t give anything back. What are you doing? You’ll spend your life so fucked up you’ll just hope someone will take care of you, make the decisions for you, tell you what to do, how to act? You’re lucky Jared is Jared. Would you have called him if you didn’t feel like he could care for you, for everything?_

_See a pattern there, buddy?_

_You’re beginning to realize maybe Eric is as sick as Jared wants you to believe, and with it, you have to face the truth. You endured four years of living with him because it was easier than leave. Leaving would have meant being alone, having to make the decisions, having to live with yourself. And this, you can’t face_.

What am I supposed to do?

_I don’t know. Wake up, maybe? It’s so easy to just go with it, right, Jensen? You’re twenty fucking years old. You can’t even answer when Jared ask you if you like music. This is your life. You won’t have a chance to start back from the beginning and do things differently. Wake the fuck up and look at yourself._

“Can we go back? I’m a little tired,” Jensen asks Jared.

He is. He’s not used to fight his own emotions, to let his own thoughts flow without restrain. This hurts, much more than anything Eric could have done to him.

“Yeah, of course.”

Jared smiles to him, bright and frank and so understanding, and Jensen can’t help but think he doesn’t deserve this.


	8. Chapter 8

_Jared dreams he’s coming home from work to find his goldfish floating on his belly, as death as it can be._

_Jared takes the bowl in his hands and starts crying. He doesn’t know why it hits him this hard but he just can’t stop. He’s chocking, trying to breathe through his tears, and then he starts shaking and the bowl slips from his hands and burst on the floor, sending water and broken glass everywhere._

“Fuck,” he rasps, trying to sit up but not quite awake yet.

It’s dark, and a little cold in the room. Jared’s alone. Jensen had asked if he could sleep on his own that night. He had seemed scared but determined to go through with it. Jared couldn’t be sure if this was something Jensen needed, or thought he had to do. Uncertainty stopped him from insisting. If there was one thing Jared wanted to avoid, it was to make Jensen feel like he had to obey him in any way.

Wait.

The freaky nightmare hasn’t ended by itself, Jared realizes as he comes back to consciousness. The broken glass noise had been real.

He practically flies to Jensen’s room and finds it empty. Of course it’s empty. About a thousand horrific scenarios simultaneously pop in his head, all involving Jensen, Eric and blood everywhere.

“Jensen!” He yells, already halfway down the stairs.

 _Get it together man. Too much bad sci-fi before going to sleep,_ he tries to reassure himself, calling Jensen once again.

“I’m sorry,” is he answer he gets when he enters in the kitchen, following the only turned on light downstairs.

Jensen is standing next to the table, looking at what appears to be a broken glass on the floor. There is an opened bottle of whiskey on the counter.

“Hey, you okay? What… You drank a lot of this?”

Jensen’s eyes are unfocused, his cheeks red and his stance unsure. He lowers his head and presses his hands together. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Jared makes his way around the table. He takes Jensen’s arm. “No, it’s okay. Look, come with me. You’re gonna step on glass shards.”

He tries to drag Jensen with him. The young man resist for a second before following him. 

“How much did you drink?” Jared asks softly as they make their way to the living room.

“I’m sorry,” is all Jensen appears to be capable of saying. 

Jared sits him on the couch and covers his legs with the blanket left there. The fire is almost out, casting small orange shadows on Jensen’s face.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jared tries, settling next to Jensen.

“Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop thinking and I –I came downstairs and I needed something to calm me down and I don’t have my pills,” Jensen blurts out.

“Whoa. Slow down, Jen. It’s okay. I just wanted to know how much you took.”

Jensen looks at him, his eyes huge with fear. “Just that one glass, I swear, Jared I didn’t… Please don’t get mad, please…”

His whole body is tensed, his breathing becoming erratic. _He’s scared of me, Jared realizes with horror. He’s scared I’m gonna hit him._

“Jen. I’m not mad at you,” he whispers, taking his friend’s face between his hands. “I’m worried. I wished you’d wake me up.”

“Thought I could do this on m-mhu-my own,” Jensen says in a chocked off voice. 

“Sleeping alone, you mean?”

A soft nod. Jared lets go of Jensen’s face to run a hand through his messed up hair. “You left Eric three days ago. Give yourself some time, man. Do you realize how big of a step that was?”

“I don’t,” Jensen answers honestly. 

“I do. I wouldn’t have helped you if I didn’t care about you, ya’ know? Well, obviously, I wouldn’t have left anybody in the hands of that asshole who called himself your boyfriend. But what I’m doing here, with you, is because I want to. So if you need to sleep next to me to be able to rest it’s okay. Totally okay.”

“But… why can’t I…? “Jensen shakes his head and leans back on the couch. He pulls his legs up close to his body and wraps his arm around them. “I went with Eric because he said he’d care for me. I was scared. I didn’t question anything. Just went with it. He made up a story for the hospital staff about having called the social services. Then he told me to just… go.   
When it would be quiet on the floor, I had to get dressed and get out. He’d wait for me outside.”

Jensen snorts, eyes dark with disdain. “I’m so stupid. All I could think was how nice he was, how lucky I was that he’d wanted to help me.”

“You’re not-“

“Yeah, I am,” Jensen states more firmly. “For about a month, Eric was perfect with me. He fed me, let me rest, helped me get back into shape. He cooked for me. Took time off work. Promised me that I would get back to school and that he would see that I have a proper education. And then… the first time he kissed me I thought: well, kiss him back, you ass. After everything he did for you.”

Jared doesn’t protest this time, doesn’t tell Jensen how some human beings become experts at manipulating others. It won’t get through. So he waits, letting his hand rest on Jensen’s knee to let him know he’s right there, with him.

“I think I never loved him,” Jensen finally says, closing his eyes painfully. “I think I never stopped and asked myself if I had… you know, feelings for him. It was… everything was so gradual. He began so slowly… to get a grip on me. Couldn’t help me go back to school because I was too unstable, too fragile, he would say, and it made sense… It still makes sense although I know it was a trick, I’ve always known, Jared, that’s the thing. I let him control me and beat me up and I didn’t do anything because it was easier. God, how could I do this? How?”

Jensen’s hands are closed in fists. He presses them on his eyes and burst out crying suddenly. This is a giant step. Jared is dumbstruck to hear those words coming out of Jensen’s mouth. He didn’t think it would come so rapidly. Jensen is apparently as shocked as Jared, if the way his body shakes with the violence of the sobs is any indication. It’s not only the strength of the breakdown that gets to Jared, but the growling sounds coming out of Jensen’s clenched teeth that are almost animalistic. That’s anger –rage, even- against himself.

“God, Jen, don’t be too hard on you,” Jared pleads, feeling his own sorrow swelling in his throat. “Don’t do this. You were sixteen. You were a kid when it started. It’s not your fault.” 

Jensen shakes his head violently, trying to talk but unable to get any words out. Jared doesn’t know what to do so he wraps his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and keeps them there despite the tension he feels in Jensen’s body.

“It’s not. Please believe me you didn’t do anything wrong. Please, Jen.”

Jensen doesn’t answer and keeps on sobbing, desperate, angry cries tearing through his throat. Jared doesn’t know how much time they spend on the couch in front of the dying fire, but eventually, Jensen tires himself to exhaustion. Jared’s shirt is soaking wet, he’s sore for remaining in the same position for too long.

The silence is almost complete now, except for Jensen’s still uneven breathing and the sizzling of a log burning. 

“You should get some sleep,” Jared murmurs, looking down at Jensen’s face, swollen and soaked.

Jensen blinks. “Yeah,” he rasps in a low voice.

Jared doesn’t question the instinct that drives him to slide one arm under Jensen’s legs and to support his upper body with the other. It hurts a little in his lower back when he stands up but he doesn’t care.

“Hold on to me.”

Jensen is too exhausted to protest. He slides his arms around Jared’s neck and let his head rest on his shoulder.

“In my bed, okay?” Jared asks, but it’s more like a statement and Jensen doesn’t argue.

Once he’s laid down on the bed, Jared settles next to him and lets Jensen wraps himself around him, his head resting on Jared’s shoulder.

“I didn’t clean up my mess,” Jensen whispers.

“Trust me, it will still be there tomorrow.”

Jensen’s hand is resting on Jared’s stomach. He starts rubbing small circles there, all the while moving closer to him. Jared can feel Jensen’s crotch pressed against his thigh, moving almost imperceptibly. This is new. And wrong. Jared fights the arousal that blooms in the pit of his stomach and tries to move away from Jensen. Jensen’s response is to hold onto him tighter.

“Jen.”

“Yeah?”

“You… what are you doing?” Jared doesn’t want to sound harsh but in the same time, he needs this to stop.

“You said you had feelings for me… Remember?” Jensen trails off, grabbing Jared’s t-shirt rim to slide it up until he can let his hand rest on Jared’s skin.

“I do, but-“

“Let me do this. This, I can do. You can fuck me if you want.”

“What?”

Jared’s reaction is immediate. He sits abruptly and turns the bedside light on. Jensen stares at him, eyes wide and confused.

“You can fuck me, I don’t mind,” he repeats, a little less certain of what he’s saying.

“That… It’s… Jensen, you’re not in the right mind state to make this kind of decision, right now. And it’s not…”

Jared looks down at Jensen’s crotch. He can see that his dick is completely soft under the thin pajama fabric. “You’re supposed to want this too, you know? That’s… Jesus, I can’t believe I’m having a discussion about sex right now.”

Jensen lowers his head and bits his lower lip, blushing. “Sorry,” he rasps. “I’m… I’m an idiot, I thought you wanted this.”

“It’s not about what I want!” Jared protests. “Tell me why, Jensen, why do you want to have sex with me?”

Jensen sits up and gets away from Jared, wrapping his arms around his legs, his chin resting on his knees.

“I… It’s something I can do. For you, I mean,” Jensen murmurs. A tear gets caught in his long eyelashes.

“Sex is supposed to be something mutual. I mean, even if you weren’t in bad shape right now, I wouldn’t have sex with you unless you wanted it.”

“I… but I don’t mind,” Jensen protest feebly. 

This is what does it for Jared. He grabs Jensen’s face between his hands and looks at him straight in the eyes. “You are gorgeous, you are so sweet and so desirable. I never, ever felt anything like this for anyone in my whole life. You deserve people to desire you and to choose which one you’ll decide to give yourself to. You… Hell, Jensen, you do jerk off sometimes? I mean, you do know what sex –when you really want it- is supposed to feel like.”

“Yeah I know!” Jensen protests, lowering his eyes. “I… Eric didn’t want me to… you know, jerk off. He said he wanted us to be together when I was going to have any kind of… any form of… pleasure? Still, sometimes, I couldn’t help myself I…”

Jared tries to calm down because Jensen’s anxiety is rising up, quickly. This, right there, is the most delicate situation Jared has faced since he took Jensen away from Eric. He did feel some arousal when Jensen began to caress him, and he feels awfully wrong about it, like he’s already taking advantage of the poor boy.

“Jensen, what do you feel for me?” He asks softly, letting go of Jensen’s face.

“You’re my friend, and you’re helping me, you’re nice and-“ Jensen babbles quickly.

“No. That’s not what I mean. Do you have any _feelings_ for me?”

Jensen sighs so profoundly it’s like he put his whole soul into it. “I don’t know. I used to think I loved Eric but I didn’t. And you… you make me think of Chris.”

“Your friend Christian?”

“Yeah, what I… feel, when I’m around you, it’s like when I was with Christian.”

“You need time to sort things out, and I don’t want you to feel rejected, but-“

“I masturbated thinking about you,” Jensen blurts out. 

It’s strange that Jensen can easily talk about other people “fucking” him but becomes a blushing mess whenever he tries to speak of his own sexual desires. Something comes on Jared’s mind, then, and he wonders, if he was going to try it, he wonders if it would really be all for Jensen, completely selfless.

“You did?” He asks, his voice as low as it can get, caressing Jensen’s leg all the while.

Jensen stops moving completely, like he’s holding his breath. His mouth parts slightly.

“You got yourself off, imagining it was my hand instead of yours?”

“Mmm mmm.” Jensen nods harshly. He blinks and looks at Jared through his eyelashes. “I… is it bad?”

“You wanna lie down on your back?” Jared keeps going with the caressing, getting more insistent. 

It’s heartbreaking how fast Jensen obeys. As soon as he’s laid down, he asks: “Would you prefer me on my stomach?”

“What would you like?” Jared tries to remain in control so Jensen won’t feel how upsetting it is.

Jensen blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Try to imagine… That I’m offering you to do anything you want.”

“I’ve always been the bottom,” Jensen says with the same eager, nervous voice.

“That’s not what I’m asking. Can you close your eyes, Jen?”

Jensen does. His breathing rhythm has become quicker. 

“Now, when you were jerking off, thinking about me, what did you imagine?”

“I don’t…” Jensen trails off, then swallows loudly. 

Jared can see the way his dick is slowly hardening under his sleeping pants. He doesn’t touch Jensen, not yet. He knows he’s getting hard as well but ignores it.

“Was I touching you?”

“Kiss- kissing me. You were…” 

Jensen licks his lips. His dick grows harder.

“You can touch yourself if you want,” Jared suggests.

The reaction is immediate. Jensen’s eyes open wide and he lifts himself on his elbows. “Whu-why are you saying this? What about you?”

“Jensen, do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s try this, okay?”

Jensen looks at Jared for a long time, like he’s trying to figure out what’s on his mind. Eventually, though, he lies back down and closes his eyes. His cock hasn’t softened.

“Do you want to touch yourself?” Jared repeats, shifting on the bed so that he can whisper in Jensen’s ear.

“I… “Jensen licks his lips. “I want you to huh… kiss me,” he lets out in a breath.

“Okay.”

Jared bends down and presses his lips on Jensen’s, being careful not to put too much pressure on the healing wound of the upper lip. Jensen whimpers and shivers, opening to him and pushing his tongue out, pressing on Jared’s lips. When Jared pulls off, he sees a deep blush creeping up Jensen’s cheeks. The young man’s hand is wandering over his stomach. “Touch yourself,” Jared repeats once again.

Jensen does, pressing the palm of his hand over the bulge of his pants. He lets out a chocked off moan, then bites his lips, like he’s trying to remain as silent as possible.

“Do you want me to touch you?”

Jensen’s eager nod is sincere and urgent. He takes his hand off as his hips jerk upward involuntarily. Jared starts rubbing and pressing the hot shaft, still trapped in Jensen’s sleeping pants. It doesn’t take long before he feels precome wetting the cotton. Jensen is already panting and sweating, pushing upward to meet his touch. He won’t last long, not by any means, but this isn’t about dragging the pleasure off.

“J-Jared,” Jensen rasps, opening his eyes. “I…”

“What?” Jared grabs Jensen’s cock in his hand, pressing it in a quick rhythm.

“Huh… Jared I need…”

“Tell me, Jen, what do you need?”

“T-touch me, I… I want to pull my pants down I need to…”

“Okay, baby, don’t worry, I got you. I got you, Jen,” Jared coos, pulling the waistband of Jensen’s pants while the young man eagerly lifts his hips. 

His cock springs free, immediately rising up to rest against his stomach, long and thick, a dark shade of pink. Jared has to take a second to calm himself down then because the need to touch his own burning shaft is almost unbearable. He stays focused, though, bends his head and blows a puff of air over Jensen’s cockhead, making the young man moan loudly as a new drop of precome bubbles at the slit.

“You don’t have to try to be quiet,” Jared whispers on his hear. “I like to hear if what I’m doing is good.”

Jensen turns his head toward him, his lips parted in the waiting of another kiss, which Jared gives him immediately as he wraps his hand around Jensen's cock.

This time, Jensen takes control of the kiss, forcing Jared’s lips open and shoving his tongue inside Jared’s mouth, licking and pressing everywhere, twirling around Jared’s own tongue. 

“F-faster,” Jensen pleads when they have to part to breathe. “F-f-faster, please, please Jared.”

“Okay,” Jared simply says.

He looks down as he jerks Jensen off, how the wet tip of his dick appears and disappears in the tight grip of his hand. Jensen’s balls are already pulled up and looking tight. Jared keeps going, pressing soft kisses on the side of Jensen’s face, then on his neck, sucking softly at the skin here and there. “Oh,” Jensen pants, “Oh, Jared, I… I’m gonna…”

“Yeah, let it go, Jensen,” Jared encourages him, starting to twist his hand on each upper movement.

Jensen cries out as his dick suddenly swells. His hips jerk upward violently and he starts to come, moaning all the while, as Jared drags every drop of warm semen he can get out of him. It seems to last forever, Jensen’s orgasm, and it’s a beautiful thing to witness, how the tensed and troubled young man suddenly succumbs to pleasure and lets it tear him apart. 

When he’s done, he shivers all over and blinks lazily, looking at Jared with amazement in his eyes.

“Jared…”

“Yeah?”

“I can… Do you want me to suck you off or?” Jensen asks nervously while he visibly tries to get himself together.

“I don’t need it. You did,” Jared tells him, kissing the corners of his lips.

Jensen frowns and looks like he’s about to protest but exhaustion and euphoria get the best of him. He just keeps gazing at Jared through half-opened eyes.

“I’m gonna clean you up,” Jared explains.

He gets out of bed, still ignoring his painful erection. In the bathroom, he wet his face with cold water and breathes slowly until he finally feels his desire fade off. He grabs a washcloth and walk back into the room.

The sight before him makes him smile fondly. Jensen is out for the count, looking perfectly relaxed and content for the first time in those three long and painful days. He’s still lying on his back, both of his hand resting next to his head on the pillow. His mouth is opened, his cheeks tinted in pink. His plump softening cock is resting on his stomach and his legs are slightly parted.

Jared cleans the drying semen on his t-shirt and below his navel. Jensen jerks nervously but almost immediately goes back to sleep again. He doesn’t even stir when Jared pulls his pants back up.

Jared turns off the bedside lamp and lies back in bed, covering the both of them with the comforter. He doesn’t fall asleep, not for a long time. Did Jensen really understand what he tried to do here? He’s so confused right now, about his feelings and the mess that has become his life, could he understand that Jared wanted to do something that would be for him and only for him? He offered himself up to Jared because he didn’t know what else to do. It would be so easy right now for anyone to take advantage of him.

Jared’s self-doubts are replaced by a sudden, chocking fear. He wonders if he really can keep Jensen away from Eric Johnson, for good. Jensen seems to be making some progress, psychologically speaking, but what will happen when they’ll have to leave the cabin and get back to the real world, if Jensen is still determined not to press charges against Eric.

::: :::

When he wakes up the next morning, Jensen is down in the kitchen. The coffeemaker is brewing as he cleans up the broken glass. 

“’Morning,” Jared mumbles, still half asleep.

Jensen turns to look at him, startled, and he blushes as quickly as a cartoon character. “Hey.”

“You okay?”

Jensen nods and goes back to his task. For a moment, Jared doesn’t know what to do, or say. He sits and looks intently at the coffeemaker.

The hell with it. He won’t fall into this new awkwardness, not after what happened last night.

“Jensen?”

“Mmm?” Jensen asks quickly, back still turned to Jared.

“Don’t be embarrassed okay?”

Jensen freezes. “I’m not-“

“It’s okay, Jen. You wanted it, didn’t you?”

Jensen cast a quick glance over his shoulder. “I… yeah.”

“That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

Jensen’s body straightens. He shifts on his feet and walks slowly to the table, sitting down in front of Jared but not quite still ready to look at him in the eyes.

“What does that make us?” He asks in a very soft, innocent voice.

“I…”

Well, that’s a good one. What does that makes them? It’s still way too soon to even consider having a relationship with Jensen. The young man is in a too fragile state. He needs to heal. Jared takes the time to think, brushing his bangs away from his face.

“That makes us really, really good friends?” He tries, can’t help but smile a little at how ridiculous it sounds.

To his surprise, Jensen tilts his head backward and burst out laughing. Just hearing that sound, seeing how his eyes close in hilarity, it does makes Jared feel warm all over. After a while, he starts laughing too.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s been two days since that night. If Jared had been scared that the whole jerking Jensen off thing would put a distance between them, he had been wrong. Nothing else happens in this regard. Jensen doesn’t offer himself to Jared like he’s a piece of meat and Jared doesn’t attempt anything. He probably would have done it if Jensen had wanted more, only for Jensen again –getting any form of pleasure from it would seems like abusing him and Jared can’t stand the idea. They sleep together the next two nights and when Jared wakes up in the morning, Jensen is tucked against him like he wants to merge until they make one, but it’s more like a child seeking comfort than a man desiring another one.

It’s good. It’s good, because, although nothing has changed between them, something in Jensen has definitely changed. He’s calmer, quieter but calmer. Whatever seems to be going on in his mind, he looks like he can deal with it a little better. Jensen needs to think, Jared gets this. All he can do is be there for him whenever he’ll feel the need to talk again. They don’t do much: they spend those two days sitting in front of the fire and leaving the room just to eat or take short walks outside because the temperature is still very cold and Jensen tires easily. 

The rest of the time, Jared reads and Jensen plays with a Rubik cube without showing any real intent to solve it. Most of the time, when they sit on the couch, Jensen will stay close to Jared, will sometimes grab his hand or lay his head on his shoulder. It seems so natural. Jared enjoys the proximity on a pure comfort level. He’s always been a touchy kind of guy anyway.

Friday is coming way too soon for Jared’s liking. His original plan was to get back on Saturday and now, he doesn’t feel like leaving. He doesn’t feel like leaving _ever_ if Jensen can find some kind of peace at the cabin. Saturday approaching means Jared will have to speak to Jensen about their return, and what he intends to do about Eric. Because, one way or another, they’ll have to talk about Jensen’s immediate future. Jared dreads it so much that, for a few hours, he considers flying back to Texas with Jensen, leaving everything behind –the hell with his job (if he still has one) and his life in Augusta. He wants to be surrounded by people he loves, wants Jensen to feel safe.

Of course, this is a fantasy. Jensen needs more than to feel safe. He needs help. He needs not to be scared of Eric anymore.

On Friday afternoon, right after lunch, they’re both back in the living room. Jared looks at the way Jensen works to put new logs in the fireplace, so serious and concentrated, like he’s accomplishing the most important task in the world. He smiles, can’t help it. It’s adorable.

When Jared’s cell phone rings, he answers without even looking at the caller. He’s left a message on Gen’s phone earlier to ask about their boss’ mood today. Jared wants to speak to him before he suddenly reappears at work the next Monday –if he decide to do it, he’s kind of ambivalent as to whether he should go back or try to find a more stimulating job- and he doesn’t want him to be in an already pissed off mood when he does.

“Hey, so what’s up?” He answers, putting his book on his lap.

“Where the fuck are you?” A very recognizable voice yells in the phone.

 _Oh shit._ Jared stands up and walks straight to the kitchen, trying to act natural. He doesn’t want Jensen to know that Eric is on the other end of the line. Things are going so well –considering- right now.

“Don’t call me again,” Jared all but whispers.

“Listen to me, you fucker, Jensen’s mine, don’t you get it? He’s mine, he fucking belongs to me!” Johnson yells even louder.

Jared flinches despite himself. God, if Jensen had to endure this kind of anger fit for four years, how could he not be scared?

“It’ s over, Johnson,” He answers as calmly as possible. “You won’t see Jensen again, do you understand? He left and he’s not coming back.”

“Get him on the phone! Go get the little fucker so that he can tell me himself, you fucking prick! Shit! I want to speak with Jensen, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE!”

Eric doesn’t seem to have any control over himself anymore. There are strange noises behind his raging voice, like he’s hitting something.

“Don’t call this number again,” Jared states. He hangs up and turns his phone off. 

His hands are shaking and he’s sweaty. Jared’s frustrated of his reaction, and the effect Johnson has on him. He’s so busy trying to calm himself down he doesn’t hear at first the quick panting right behind him.

Damn it. Jensen.

Jared puts the phone on the counter and turns back to face his friend who’s looking at him with huge, haunted eyes. He’s already hyperventilating, even if he does try to keep it under control.

“Hey it’s okay,” Jared says softly, approaching him as if he’s a wounded animal. “He doesn’t know where we are. He doesn’t, Jensen, it’s okay.”

As soon as Jared is close enough, Jensen grabs his shirt with both hands and presses his forehead on his chest. “I… c-c-can’t-“ he rasps. “J-j-Jared, I…”

“It’s okay. Trust me, Jensen, you’re safe. Come on, sit down, try to breathe slower.”

Jared keeps one arm around Jensen’s waist and uses the other to drag a chair close to him. Jensen all but collapses on it, still trying to catch his breath, holding on so tight to Jared’s shirt he actually has to kneel down so that he doesn’t fall over him.

“Jen? Look at me. Come, man, look at me.”

Jensen does. “No f-fuh-fucking p-p-pills,” he chokes, and tries to smile through his tears.

“That’s right but I’m here. It’s kind of better, right?”

Jensen nods.

“All you have to do is look at me and you’ll calm down. I have this magical power, you know,” Jared babbles, brushing Jensen’s wet bangs away from his forehead and keeping a soft hold to his shoulder at the same time.

“Shitty magical power,” Jensen jokes again, exhaling. 

“Shut up, it’s awesome,” Jared replies. 

This time, Jensen down right burst out laughing. It’s nervous and cut off by a hiccupping intake of breath but it still is a wonderful noise to hear in this moment. 

“Like to hear you laugh so much,” Jared murmurs. “You’re doing great, Jen.”

“I’m scared,” Jensen admits. He slowly releases the hold he has on Jared’s shirt. His hands are shaking badly, his eyes are still huge and tinted with fear, but his breathing is slowly coming back to normal.

“I know you are. I would be too if I were you.”

“I can’t… can’t go on like this,” Jensen breathes out. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Jen.”

_Call the police. Make the man pay for what he’s done to you. Stop fearing him and start hating him._

Of course, Jared won’t say it, but he figures Jensen knows all this anyway.

“He can’t find me, right?”

“No.”

“He can’t. I left. I’m not going back,” Jensen says, and it’s addressed as much to himself as it is to Jared.

“That’s right.”

Jensen is shaken by a violent shiver and his teeth start chattering despite the kitchen being warm. Jared wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“You wanna take a bath, maybe? Relax a little. The bathtub is huge.”

“Okay.”

::: :::

Jensen asks Jared to stay with him in the bathroom. He’s sunk into hot water and bubbles, only his head peeking out. He looks so young. How can someone this young could have been through so much already? Jared remembers being twenty, leaving home to start college, naïve and stubborn and feeling incredibly alive, free. He hadn’t realized, at the time, how good life had been to him so far.

“Once a neighbor called the police,” Jensen says abruptly, playing with the foaming bubbles.

“What?”

Jensen clears his throat and goes on, keeping his eyes lowered. “I was eighteen at the time. We were living in another part of the town. Eric got mad at me… I don’t even remember why, and he hit me, in the face. He rarely does it, unless he’s so mad he just can’t control himself. Usually he tries to hit where it won’t be seen, you know?”

“Oh, Jen.”

“But this time, I had a black eye, pretty nasty, and my nose was broken,” Jensen goes on as if Jared hasn’t said anything. He automatically caresses the small bump on his nose. “So, anyway, a cop came home one morning after Eric was gone to work and started asking me all these question and…I couldn’t answer anything, I… literally, I was petrified. The cop was a woman, and she was very sweet. She told me that I could get help if I wanted and I think I started crying but still couldn’t get out a damn word. She gave me this card with the police station number and then she left. A couple of hours later, Eric came back and he was practically boiling with rage. He huh… he told me that he got this call from the police station and they wanted to see him and that I was coming with him.”

“He took you with him?”

“Yeah.” Jensen shivers despite the warmness of the water. “He told me that he would fix it and that I better say what he wanted me to say. He didn’t have to tell me what he’d do to me if I said the wrong thing because… I could see it in his eyes.”  
“What did he want you to say?”

“That I was doing drugs. That I was homeless and that he took me in a few months back to try and help me but sometimes I still go out in the street to try and get my fix. He found me like this. Someone beat me up, he didn’t know who.”

“The bastard.”

Jensen smiles without a hint of joy. “So we got there and he told that story and he can be fucking convincing, ya’ know. He’s all respectable and all I’m a doctor and I want to help the poor kid and one of the cops –the man- believed him. The other one was the woman who came to see me earlier and I could see that she had doubts but when they asked me… All I could do was to say exactly what Eric told me to say. I… I couldn’t even think of saying the truth, not in front of him. That… that’s all there is to it. We got back home and he told me he was proud of me. The next few weeks, he acted very sweet with me, kept telling me that he loves me, that I’m the only thing that matters to him and… It happens often. After he’s… after he beats me up, he’ll be a completely different man. And you know what? I was relieved, I was relieved that the cops let us go and… because what would’ve happen to me if I had to press charges? I would have had no place to go and… and no one to give a damn about me.”

“There are shelters for people in your situation, Jensen.”

“I know that!” Jensen cuts off impatiently. “I… I knew it, even then. But it seemed too difficult. We moved a few weeks later, ya’ know, because of the neighbor who had called the police in the first place. Of course, after all this, Eric was even more careful not to hit me in the face.”

Jensen sticks his arm out of the water and holds it toward Jared. Jared doesn’t hesitate, just take his hand and presses it softly.

“This time it would be different, Jensen,” Jared whispers as softly as he can. “I’m here, I’ve seen some things. I’ve seen how Eric behaves, and I can tell. “

“I know it would be different,” Jensen says in the same whispered voice. “I know, Jared, but it still scares me so damn much.”

“Yeah, it is scary.”

Jensen closes his eyes. One single tear gets caught in his eyelashes. “I know we have to go back to Augusta tomorrow. And then what? I think I’m as much as scared as to what will happen to me after I press charges than actually going to the cops.”

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t… I can’t…” Jensen takes a shuddering breath and looks right into Jared’s eyes. “You can’t take care of me. I need to… I need to c-c-care for myself.”

Jared smiles. “Yes. You need to do this, but I won’t throw you out in the streets. You can take care of yourself while living at my place. We’re friends. What else are friends for?”

“You said really, really good f-fuh-friends”, Jensen jokes in a quivering voice.

“Indeed,” Jared agrees. 

He can’t help but bent down over Jensen and kiss him on the temple. Jensen leans into it.

“We’ll figure it out,” Jared murmurs in Jensen’s hear. “We’ll figure it out one day at a time.”

“Still not sure I can do it,” Jensen admits.

He turns his head and kisses Jared back, catching the corner of his lips.

“I know. But you went from not even wanting to talk about pressing charges to telling me all this. That’s some huge progress right there, Jensen. I’m so freaking proud of you.”

Jensen turns a deep shade of red. He looks at Jared with something in his eyes, maybe desire, Jared can’t be sure. He settles for running his hand through Jensen’s hair. That’s something he won’t ever get tired to do.

“I…” Jensen whispers. “Want you to… want you to kiss me again like the other night.”

“You sure? You know we don’t have to, Jen, we-“

“Fuck yeah, I’m sure,” Jensen cuts him off, sitting straighter and pursing his lips.

Jared bends over and kisses him, lets Jensen set the pace. Jensen moans in his mouth while he does wicked things with his tongue. It’s very hard for Jared not to just let go of his control and grabs Jensen’s shoulder, pressing him against himself and touching his delicate body everywhere. He has to end the kiss eventually. Jensen’s mouth stays slightly opened afterward and he sighs deeply.

“I like when you kiss me,” he murmurs. “I… I want you to touch me like you did. I want it. Felt so good, Jared.”

Jensen doesn’t wait for an answer. He takes Jared’s hand and drags it down under the water, pressing it on his crotch where is dick is fully hard, rising to the surface. Jared shivers and presses his fingers around it.

“Yeah,” Jensen whispers in a scratchy voice. “Yeah, just… Jerk me off. Please…”

Jared obeys. Jensen’s tone is hypnotic. Without even thinking about what his hand is doing, gripping Jensen’s cock and jerking it with quick, hard motions, Jared concentrate on Jensen’s face: his parted lips and blushing cheeks, his eyelids fluttering against his skin, the noises vibrating low in his throat. They shift quickly enough to soft, breathed out little “oh, oh,oh,” and then Jensen cries Jared’s name and comes, releasing his seed into the warm water. He pants and shivers, his feet making splashing noise, shifting in the water. Jared never turns his head away from his face, doesn’t even blink.

And fuck it, he’s going to come. He’s going to come in his pants like a freaking teenager.

“… so much better than the meds,” Jensen is saying but his voice seems so far away. Jared swallows loudly and gets up, shaking on his feet.

“I’ll be back in five minutes,” he mutters.

He barely has time to close the bedroom door and to press a hand on his burning shaft before he’s coming, harder than he can even remember, without anyone else touching him. He almost hasn’t had to touch himself.

He’s so far gone for Jensen it’s dizzying, it cuts his breath short in his throat and sends a trickle of sweat down his neck.

 _You can’t have him. Not now. Maybe never._ Who knows what kind of a young man Jensen will turn out to be if he decides to build a life of his own, if he’ll even want Jared when he’ll realize how fascinating, how gorgeous and sweet he is. He could have anybody.

_This has never been about you, Jared. Keep it together, man._

Yeah. Easier said than done.

::: :::

It’s their last night at the cabin and Jensen wants to cook for Jared. There isn’t much food left to work with but he manages to make a respectable enough chicken casserole which, Jared swears he has never eaten something better in his life.

Jensen takes the compliment, feeling his cheeks and ears starting to burn. He’s not really hungry but he makes the effort. Real life will come to bite him in the ass soon enough that he doesn’t want to ruin the time he has left.

He’s embarrassed by what happened in the bath. He couldn’t help himself. He needed to feel the euphoria and the complete relaxation that follows an orgasm. He didn’t lie when he told Jared it was better than the pills Eric used to feed him. 

Jensen knows he has feelings for Jared but can’t bring himself to try to untangle them from the maelstrom of everything else, fear and anger and uncertainty. Frustration. Confusion. 

This means he’s been using Jared. He’s not stupid. He knows Jared left the bathroom so quickly to go jerk off. His face was tensed with sexual need. It did things to Jensen, seeing him like this. That’s the reason his orgasm has come upon him so fast.

Jensen’s mind is such a fucked up place right now. He’s been thinking so hard lately his head constantly hurts, a dull light throb right behind his eyes. He hasn’t gotten a lot of all this thinking, except that he doesn’t want to go back to Eric, he doesn’t want to live like this anymore. Every time he tries to imagine what he needs to do for it to happen, his mind becomes dark and the fear he feels is so intense it’s like someone is digging a hole in the pit of his stomach.

“You’re quiet.” Jared declares around a mouthful.

“I’m always quiet,” Jensen answers softly.

“Jen.” Jared put his fork down. “Is this because of what happened in the bath?”

Jared always goes straight to the point. Jensen hesitates, then nods. Immediately, his friend’s features crumple in concern.

“I thought you wanted it,” Jared babbles. “I’m sorry if I overstepped-“

“No, no that’s not… I wanted it, Jared. Wanted it so bad. But I used you.”

Jensen lowers his head in shame. When he looks back up, Jared is smiling at him. “What?”

“You didn’t use me. You needed it. I helped. Hell, Jensen, you know I have feelings for you. I’m not being completely benevolent here. I’m not a saint.”

“But I don’t know what I feel for you, Jared. I don’t know who I am anymore, how can I know what the fuck I feel.”

“Of course you can’t,” Jared states calmly. “I wouldn’t either, being in your situation. Jensen… Let’s… let’s not think about this so hard, alright? You already have your hands full and you need time… Hell, you need a lot of time to sort everything out. And if you were to decide, right now, that you’ll never want to try and be with me, it wouldn’t change anything. I mean… I’ll still be your friend, I’ll still be there to help you.”

Jensen snorts. He can’t help it. “And you say you’re not a saint.”

“I’m not,” Jared states more firmly. “I am not a saint. I’m a selfish, self-loathing guy. I could be so much more than I am and I gave up at the first difficulty.”

Jensen knows what Jared is referring too. He wanted to be a psychologist and quit college when his father couldn’t provide for him anymore. When he’d talk about it for the first time, a couple of months ago, Jensen had expressed his sympathy, even if he couldn’t really understand why Jared was so bitter about. At the time, in his mind, Jared and him were living in two completely different universes and Jared’s problems were so estranged from what Jensen had known about life he couldn’t really put himself in his place.

“You’re far from being selfish,” he protests, though, because Jared is anything but. 

“Maybe not in your eyes, Jensen, and that’s… that is why you’re so important to me.” Jared blushes a little and shakes his head to get his long bang away from his face. “Because fuck, you made me feel alive again and you made me realize how empty I was. My parents are wonderful people, I have a sister and a brother that I love, and I fucking miss them. I’m so far away from home. I used to resent the fact that my father lost his company and that’s… he worked so hard for it and I think I held him responsible for ruining my life. Do you realize how selfish, how childish it is?”

Something catches in Jared’s throat and he has to take a moment. Jensen hesitates for a second: he’s not used to be the one comforting others and it’s incredibly hard to just stretch his hand to put it on Jared’s arm. Hard because it’s scary: what if Jared needs more than Jensen can give?

“You could… Maybe go and visit them, and huh… you know, talk with your dad.” He suggests, even though he has no idea if it’s the right thing to say.

Jared stands up so quickly Jensen can’t help but jump in surprise and wraps his arms around himself. Shit, he should have kept his mouth shut. Now Jared is mad and-

“Hey, sorry,” Jared kneels in front of him, looking like a remorseful giant kid. “I just… want to hug you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re wonderful, Jensen, you don’t even know…” Jared trails off, holding him very gently into his arms. 

Jensen lodges himself into Jared’s embrace and doesn’t try to understand what the hell just happened. He knows he’ll have to make some very difficult decisions once they go back to Augusta tomorrow, and right now, he, too, needs all the comfort he can get.


	10. Chapter 10

Jensen holds it together pretty well until they hit the highway leading back to Augusta. By then, it’s around ten in the morning and it’s snowing. Despite Jensen’s love for the snow, this time around, he doesn’t react at all to it. He’s bundled in Jared’s winter coat, pressed against the passenger door, silent and tensed. 

Jared knows he hasn’t slept well last night. He’d kept shifting in bed, tossing and turning, and at some point, he was awaken by a nightmare. When Jared had walked downstairs around seven in the morning, Jensen was at his usual place in front of the fire, hands wrapped around his coffee mug, his face pale, dark circles under his eyes.

They’re going back at Genevieve’s place. She invited them for a brunch, but Jared knows her real intent: when they spoke last night, he had told her about Johnson’s phone call, and how Jensen had reacted to it. “You guys should come back at my place,” she’d told Jared. “If you think Jensen is almost decided about pressing charge, don’t stress him out by taking him to your apartment. He knows Johnson knows your address.”

“I want to go back,” Jensen declares all of sudden as they approach downtown Augusta.

“What?”

“Jared let’s… I don’t want to… maybe we should…” Jensen pants, grabbing Jared’s arm with a death grip, making it difficult for him to hold on to the wheels.

“Jensen, calm down.”

“Wanna go back to the cabin,” Jensen insists in a high-pitched voice. “Please, Jared, don’t make me, don’t… I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared.”

Jared doesn’t answer, just makes a left turn on a quiet street and parks the car to the side of the road. By the time it’s stopped, Jensen is in full-panic mode, grabbing his arms with both hands, shaking, taking in enormous, shaky breaths, his pupils blown with terror.

“We can’t go back,” Jared says as softly as he can. “Jensen. You know that. We can’t stay holed up somewhere forever.”

“I… know,” Jensen chokes. “Jared…”

“Hey, I’m here, not going anywhere. Look at me. Remember my shitty magical power?” 

Jensen lets out a desperate chuckle at this. He tries to breathe through his nose, nostrils flaring and mouth shut. It seems to help. Jared unlocks his seatbelt and frees himself from Jensen’s grip, holding him close to his chest.

“You’re okay. You’re handling this like a champ.”

“Yeah, right,” Jensen mumbles. “I’m about to pee myself from fear.”

“Right now, all we’re doing is going back at Genevieve’s apartment. Don’t think too much ahead.”

“What if…” Jensen’ breathing rhythm suddenly accelerates. “What if he’s there, w-wuh-waiting for me.”

“He won’t. Jensen, he won’t.”

“I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see him ever again,” Jensen rasps before bursting into tears.

“That’s good. See? That’s the right attitude.”

Jensen snorts with derision and keeps on crying but he’s calmer now and, within five minutes, they’re ready to get back on the road. They don’t exchange a word before they reach the street where Gen’s apartment is located. A fluffy white layer of snow is covering everything, except for the tracks of car’s wheels on both sides of the road. Everything looks eerily quiet, like the city is sweetly frozen underneath the snow. The light reflected is almost blinding. Jensen’s damp eyes are shining, their green color even more striking than usual.

“We’re going to have a nice brunch with Genevieve,” Jared says as he enters the parking lot. “Just think about this for now.”

“Yeah,” Jensen trails off, visibly unconvinced. “What if… Jared, what if I’ve changed my mind?”

Jared tries not to show his deception. It’s only normal that getting closer and closer to the time he’ll have to make the decision, Jensen has some doubts. He didn’t even clearly say he wanted to press charges, not once, but he has definitely changed during the last week. He’s only starting to consider that his life could be better but still, he’d made some realizations.

“We’ll consider some other options,” Jared states finally. “You can be helped by community organizations even if you don’t press charges. And I’ll be there.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Jensen says softly. “He’ll find me, Jared. He… he said he’d kill me if I ever left.”

Jensen has been biting his lip so hard his teeth have left two small trails of blood.

“He said everything he thought was necessary to keep a complete control over you. I’m not saying he’s not dangerous. I’m saying you’re not alone, Jensen.”

“I know.” Jensen shivers. 

The car has come to a halt and it sets Jensen in another nervous mode. He observes the half empty parking lot, his eyes shifting quickly from left to right. They only have about ten meters to walk before they reach the building’s lobby but Jared can tell Jensen is still scared to death. He doesn’t blame him, even if Jensen’s behavior seems close to paranoia. They’re not in a movie. Johnson would’ve had to know Jared was friend with Genevieve to find her. It seems way too farfetched for reality. Still, if Jared had been through what Jensen has been, he’d be paranoid too.

“Ready?” He asks in a gentle voice, making Jensen jump anyway.

“Yes.”

Jensen waits for Jared to get out before doing it himself. He stays very close to him while they walk to the building, like he wants to hide in his shadow. Jared finally takes his hand and holds it tight while ringing Genevieve’s apartment bell to get the door open.

“Hey, we’re here,” he speaks in the intercom. 

Genevieve answers something Jared doesn’t quite get because a sudden hiss from Jensen’s part distracts him. He turns toward his friend to see his face as white as a sheet, his eyes looking at something in front of him.

“Jay…” He whines, breathless, before plastering himself against the door.

“What is…?”

Jared looks in the same direction as him and stops breathing. He’s there, on the sidewalk. Johnson, about twenty meters away from them.

This seems so surreal Jared can’t process what’s happening at first. Then, a rush of adrenaline invades his body and he presses the bell button once more, stretching his other arm in front of Jensen and stepping up in front of him.

“It’s open,” Genevieve answers. “What?...”

“The fucker is here,” Jared rasps.

He should open the door and push Jensen inside. He should move. He should be able to think, to do something. He can’t, because Johnson is running toward them, screaming Jensen’s name.

“Jared,” Jensen whimpers. 

Jared blinks a couple of times. Jensen’s soft pleas and the harsh buzzing of the door take him back to the here and now. 

“Come on, inside,” he tells Jensen, opening the door for him.

Jensen doesn’t move. He keeps looking at Eric, his eyes widening a little more each second as Eric gets closer and closer.

“Jensen, it’s okay, just go inside,” Jared insists, pushing him toward the entrance.

The door closes behind him and somehow, Jared finds himself facing Eric Johnson.

The man doesn’t even acknowledge Jared’s presence. He hit the building door with his fists. “Jensen, get out of there!” He yells. “Come back here, I need to talk to you.”

Jared sees Jensen stepping away from the door, keeping his arms close to his body, shaking his head softly. This triggers something inside of him and he feels… angry. More angry than he ever felt before. He pushes Johnson away from the door, hard enough to have the man trip on his own feet and almost falling backward. 

“Get out of here. He doesn’t want to see you.” Jared states in a shaking voice.

“This doesn’t concern you,” Johnson tells him, his lips pursing over his teeth. “Jensen is-“

“What? Yours? So you can beat him up and abuse him all you want? You’re sick, and you’re going to pay for this, one way or another.”

“Shut up you fucking moron, you don’t know anything about me!” Johnson yells, taking a step forward.

“So what? You’re gonna try and beat my ass, and then force him to go with you?” Jared states with all the sarcasm he can voice. “In what fucking world are you living in? The only reason you aren’t in jail already is because I want Jensen to do it at his own pace.”

Eric Johnson’s face turns a bright shade of red and before Jared registers what’s happening, he feels the man’s fist hitting his left cheek. It’s not a strong blow, but it’s enough to make him lose his balance. He has to hold on to the wall not to fall while his vision clears back.

“Stop it!”

The building door opens suddenly, giving way to Jensen, followed by Genevieve, pressing him to come back inside. When Johnson sees the young man, his first move is to grab him by the arm, yanking him toward him. “We’re going home,” he says in an authoritative voice.

Jared’s about to get down on Johnson. For the first time in his life, he understands the meaning of the expression: seeing red. That’s what he feels, his anger pouring out of him in crimson waves, his body ready to let it flow freely, and he think of all those moments he spent with Jensen, he thinks of the marks on his broken body, of the panic attacks, of Jensen offering: you can fuck me if you want.

“You monster,” he growls –did he just growl, really, like some kind of caveman- and takes another step forward.

Genevieve is holding him back and then suddenly Jensen yanks his arm free from Eric’s grip. He stands there, right in front of him, his face a couple of inches away of his tormentor.

For a second, there, everything seems to come to a halt. Johnson smiles slowly and it’s perfectly clear, in his eyes, that he’s sure he’ll get Jensen to come with him. He’s so used to get what he wants Jared doesn’t think he can’t even imagine walking away without Jensen.

Then Jensen screams. It’s a guttural, animal noise that bends him in two, arms wrapped around himself, and it’s directed at Eric. The other man’s expression shifts from triumphant to uncertain and he takes a step back but quickly seems to recover and smiles again.

“Oh, god,” Genevieve murmurs. “Let’s… Jared, take him back inside, please.”

“Leave m-mhu-me alone!” Jensen yells, his voice coarse and raw. “I don’t want to go back, ever, ever again!”

“Shut up!” Eric replies in a menacing tone, but Jensen doesn’t even slow down.

“You can’t hit my f-fhu-friends! You c-c-can’t! And you can’t… hit me, you can’t . Stop this I won’t go back!”

“Look at you, trying to impress me, stuttering like a fucking idiot,” Johnson tries again, and despite the fact that they’re on the street, that Jared and Genevieve are right behind Jensen, he’s about to hit him, his hand raised in the air, his body tense.

“Jared, please!” Genevieve pushes him forward, and finally, finally, Jared snaps out of his stupefaction. He grabs Jensen’s arm and draws him backward, despite Jensen’s resistance.

“Leave me alone!” Jensen protest, close to hysteria. “He can’t hit you, he can’t!”

“Let’s go back inside, Jensen, okay? Let’s go,” Genevieve pleads, opening the door with her key as if Eric isn’t there at all.

There is now a small group of bystanders gathering nearby, pointing at them. Eric Johnson has noticed them because he starts to walk backward, with the same heinous expression on his face.

Jensen won’t have any of this. He’s still screaming, fighting Jared’s hold on him like a wild animal. “Go away! I hate you! I hate you s-s-so much! I hate you, do you understand!” 

He’s now sobbing uncontrollably, his body hot and shaking into Jared’s arms. Jared has to put up a good fight to get him to follow inside the building.

“Fuck you,” Eric Johnson snarls, but he’s still stepping backward, looking all around him like he’s the one being cornered now. He knows it’s over. The frustration of this realization quirks his features into an ugly grimace.

“SHUT UP!” Jensen howls, his voice breaking just as the building door closes on them.

Genevieve is waiting, her hands pressed over his mouth, her eyes filled with tears.

“Hate him, he can’t… I won’t go back, I won’t, never!” Jensen hiccups, tensed and short of breath, still trying to free himself but without any more strength.

“Shshsh, it’s over,” Jared murmurs in his ear. “Come on, Jensen. It’s over, now. You send him away.”

Jensen freezes and his knees buckle suddenly. He turns his head toward Jared while Jared tries to hold him up. “I did,” he whispers.

“Yeah, you did,” Jared agrees, smiling despite himself.

“I’m dizzy,” Jensen warns just a second before his eyes roll in their socket and he becomes a dead weight in Jared’s arms.

“Oh my god, is he okay?” Genevieve asks in a panicked voice.

“Yes,” Jared sits down slowly, taking Jensen with him, and let the younger man rest in his arms. “I think it’s from all the screaming,” he adds, pressing a kiss to Jensen’s forehead.

Genevieve crouches beside them and caresses Jensen’s cheek with a shaking hand. A few second later, Jensen starts blinking. He’s still pale and shaking but he doesn’t even seem disoriented. 

He looks at Jared with his wide, green eyes and tries to clear his throat. “M’sorry,” he rasps.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. You okay?”

Jensen nods.

Genevieve smiles a little and stands up to call the elevator down. “Come on, guys. We’ll be more comfortable at my place.”

“Yeah,” Jensen trails off. He smiles at Jared sadly, blinks back a few tears.

“It’s over,” Jared repeats.

And in a way, it is.

::: :::

They’re so nice with him, not that it surprises him, in any way, but Jensen takes it all. Jared helps him undress from his winter clothes and drags him to the small living room where he sits with him on the couch, his arm wrapped around his shoulder. Jensen feels exhausted. His throat hurts and his muscles are sore from all the shaking. Tremors still wrack his body irregularly. The lights are too bright, the colors vibrating in the air and everything has this surreal vibe.

Genevieve gives him a steaming cup of coffee, keeping her hands close to be sure he can hold it. He tries to thank her but all comes out of his throat is a whispered croak.

“No need to thank me, hun,” Genevieve tells him with this soft smile of hers.

A few minutes later, the three of them are sitting in a somewhat comfortable silence. Jensen keeps his mind as empty as he can. He doesn’t even think he’d be able to have a somewhat coherent chain of thought right now. 

“You okay?” Genevieve finally asks. 

Jensen nods. Jared’s grip on his shoulder becomes a little more firm. 

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea he knew me, no idea he’d come by,” the young woman says.

“Not your fault,” Jared states firmly. 

“This man is seriously deranged,” Genevieve adds, then her eyes widen suddenly. “Did he hurt you, Jay? Do you need ice or-“

“I’m fine. I swear, he didn’t punch that hard.”

The reminder that Eric hit Jared is like a bomb exploding in Jensen’s mind. He feels a fresh wave of adrenaline cursing through his veins. His hands tighten around his empty mug until it’s shaking. 

He hasn’t been this angry for a long time. He doesn’t even remember ever feeling this way. It scares him, the hate he suddenly has for Eric. It’s a powerful sensation, even more than the fear that’s been plaguing since he left. Something just snapped in him when he saw Eric looking at Jared just like he’s been looking at him each time he got mad, and when he saw his ex’s fist connecting with Jared’s face, he’d lost it. 

_Don’t touch him_ , he’d thought just before he’d opened the door, then everything became kind of blurry.

And now, now, here’s Chris’ voice rising once again. _You let him do this to you, again and again, for freaking four years. Why was that okay for you to be abused like this when it clearly isn’t when it concerns other people. Jensen, man, come on. You know what you have to do, right? You know Jared’s right. You deserve to have a chance at a better life._

Jensen isn’t sure about this. He can’t get enough distance to consider himself objectively. Is he really the victim? Is it all there is to it? It used to make sense, when Eric would tell him how unstable he was, how emotionally immature. Jensen had made peace with the fact that he wasn’t normal, that he couldn’t care for himself properly. And everything… everything else had just fallen into place. For four years.

“It’s not right,” he whispers, and this time, his voice makes its way through his swollen throat. It hurts a little, but not that much anymore.

“What?” Jared asks.

“I don’t want him to hurt you,” Jensen explains, lifting his head to look into Jared’s soft eyes. 

“Hey, I said I’m okay.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jensen cuts him off. “I… don’t want to worry about him all the time. I’m too tired to keep going like this.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, just keep their eyes locked.

“He beat me at least once a week for four years,” Jensen murmurs and damn it, it hurts something so deep inside him he’s scared he’s going collapse on himself, like he just made way to an emotional black hole.

He needs to say this, though, needs to say it because he’ll have to repeat it, again and again.

“He kept me locked inside for days, sometimes. He… he told me I was crazy. He drugged me. He… he said he made love to me but it’s not true. He used me to get his own pleasure.”

Jared swallows loudly. It’s easy to guess the tremendous efforts he makes to remain calm by the way his features tense, by the sudden wetness of his eyes.

“I can’t do this alone,” Jensen adds.

He can’t, true, but at this moment, he realizes he’d still do it, even without the support of Jared and Genevieve. He’d still do it.

“I want to go to the police,” he finally murmurs, taking a long, shuddering breath. “I wanna do this now.”

Genevieve whispers something he doesn’t understand because Jared burst into tears right then. It’s so sudden even his friend seems surprised, his large chest shaken by a violent sob.

Jensen can’t stand seeing Jared in that much pain. He takes his face between his hands, just like Jared does so often with him. “Don’t cry, please, I didn’t meant to-“

“No, no, it’s… I’m just… relieved, Jensen,” Jared hiccups, smiling through his tears. “I’m relieved, is all.”

He hugs Jensen against his chest and kisses the top of his head. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Jensen mumbles against Jared’s thundering heart.

And despite the fact that it won’t really be, not for a long time, Jensen is suddenly filled with a sense of peace and calm, like he’s been living in a loud, chaotic world for the past four years, and then suddenly, all he can hear is a soothing silence.

“I love you,” Jared adds in a quivering voice. 

Jensen sights. _I love you too_ , he thinks.

Maybe one day, he’ll be able to say it out loud.

The End

A/N: This isn’t the end of Jared and Jensen’s story. There is a sequel planned. The thing is, with the pace and intimacy I gave this story, It would have become enormous if I kept going through all the steps of Jensen pressing charge and everything this action will set in motion. I feel we have to give the poor guy some air. The sequel will take place three months later and will continue to follow Jensen on his road to recovery, the blooming relationship between the two guys. It will address Jared’s family issues and also answers some questions, like the reason why Jensen’s friend, Christian, hadn’t made it to their meeting spot. Of course, Eric’s fate will be known. Thank you everybody for reading and commenting despite the fact that I couldn’t follow my usual posting rhythm. I know a lot of you would’ve like Eric to pay for his actions in a more _badass Jared going down on him_ but I wanted to keep a sense of realism to this story and, sadly, in real life, this kind of thing rarely happens.  
<3  
Little Star


End file.
